If he’s not asking you out, he’s just not that into you

Photo: smh.com.au

If you’ve read Sofia’s post on “approaching guys”, you’ll notice that it’s not actually about approaching guys at all — it’s about making yourself more obviously available so that guys can approach you.

Unfortunately, even if you’re a bright, bold, 21st century, go-get-’em kind of girl, there is one truth that you’re going to have to face:

If he’s not asking you out, he’s just not that into you.

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Let me tell you a story:

I have a friend (we’ll call her Lindsay), who really liked one of her guy friends.  They were very close — and you could tell there was some sexual tension there — so it didn’t make sense to her as to why he hadn’t asked her out.  Maybe he didn’t want to ruin the friendship (yeah, right), or maybe he didn’t realize that she wanted to take it to the next level.  (Or maybe he just wasn’t that into her.)

Well, she made it very clear that she was available, and was just waiting for him to make the next move.  She dressed up around him, she found all sorts of excuses to be alone with him, she stared deep into his eyes and all that girly stuff that girls do that screams “I want you!  Take me now!”  Either he was really dense, or he didn’t want to ruin the friendship (yeah, right), or he was really lazy, or he just didn’t care that much.

One day, while they were at his place, they had a conversation in which he basically told her how he felt about girls coming onto guys.

“I love it,” he said, “I don’t mind at all, and it’s refreshing to not have to do all the work.”

“Refreshing, hmm?” She thought to herself, “Well, that certainly makes things a little easier.” So, in the next week she asked him out.  He didn’t really get that it was a date-date, of course, until she made the first daring move and kissed him.  But, after that, he got it.

Did he immediately push her away?  Go, “WHOA…I did not think of you that way!”?

No, he totally took her lead and they were soon on their way to a relationship.

Well, that didn’t really work out.  Sure, they had a pretty decent relationship for a couple of months, but you could tell that neither of them were that into it.  She was annoyed at how she seemed to (still) be doing everything, and he seemed content to let her do her thing.  Of course, by “content”, I don’t mean he was into it — actually, he seemed like he didn’t care much either way.

They broke up.  A couple of weeks later, he really liked a girl — so he took the initiative, and asked her out.

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All right, so that was just one example.  However, I’ve seen this happen many times:  a girl likes a guy, so why shouldn’t she make the first move, right?  Well, I’ve not ever seen one of these relationships work, and for a number of reasons:

• He sees her as “easy” — Not “slutty”, but “easy”.  He’s kind of lazy, and she’s passed his minimum attractiveness level and is offering sex.  Why would he turn that down?  Unfortunately, this laziness/why-not-easy-sex mindset only lasts until he meets a girl he really likes.
• He feels like the relationship has gotten off on the wrong foot — I.e., his leadership position has been wrested from him.  They both feel the consequences of said “wresting”, even though it’s often so subtle a feeling that neither are likely to explicitly identify it as such.
• She feels like she’s doing all of the work — If a guy is of the “lazy” type, and that’s the only reason he’s in a relationship with her, then she’ll likely start to feel like she’s the only one doing the work to make the relationship last.  Why is that?!  Oh, right, because he’s just not that into her.

He probably won't do this (unless you're in the movie "Love, Actually"), but he will totally ask you out, if he wants to.

Basically, the bottom line is this:  If he likes you, he will ask you out.  Even if he is a super-shy, super-introverted, super-anti-people person…if he likes you, he’ll ask you out. There are many things you can do to signal your availability to him — such as flirting, hinting, being friendly, etc. — and, by all means, do them!  But guys are not really that dense.  Sometimes they’re just not that interested.  Most guys will not turn you down (providing you meet their minimum level of attractiveness) if you throw yourself at them (unless they’ve got a good reason, e.g. they’re in a relationship, etc.), but that does not equal like.

At the very least, if you’re throwing yourself at a guy and you’re decently attractive…he’s going to wonder why you need to be throwing yourself at him, since you are decently attractive.  Aren’t guys asking you out?  Are you mentally insane?  Are you a prostitute?  Do you have a bevy of thugs around the corner, waiting to rob him?  What’s the catch?

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It should be noted that, especially in our 21st century, there are exceptions.  There are guys who genuinely don’t care if a woman asks them out.  Of course, there are way less girls who really (subconsciously or not) want to be in a relationship where they were the initiators.  And, of course, even these 21st century exceptions will ask girls out, if they really like them.

Let’s get it on…

You’ve taken my advice to zip-it until you trust the man. You’ve desired him since you first met but you’ve been able to delay your gratification because you know you’ll have a better return on investment. He’s wonderful, you’ve determined, he has a genuine character which has stayed steady under stress (i.e. PMS), he wants you bad but hasn’t pushed you — in short, he’s the good type of imperfect. Now you plan to consummate your relationship. Some of you will wait for marriage because that’s what your belief system requires, but others will not. What happens now?

I’m assuming you’ve kissed. That may not be the case for some. In fact I know a very attractive couple who, because of their Christian values, decided not to kiss through two years of dating and shared their first kiss at the altar. They were 22 years old. Both virgins. Both gorgeous with amazing careers planned for overseas. It can happen, with determination. Moving on…

That’s right – let’s get it on.

I’m a sexual being. I think all of us are, though some of us may have suppressed it. My advice?  Don’t let your sexual being scare you. Embrace this part of you as ‘normal’ and learn to let yourself go. This may be too much information but I’ve always felt, during sex, that I could be a porn star. I am the last thing from slutty (half-naked Thursdays aside) and have a “lady in the streets” appeal. But I am the consummate “freak in the sheets” in the bedroom. I’ve never been ashamed of my body (and it has a few flaws, trust me). I believe establishing partner trust was key to me being able to express myself without fear of ridicule. Mind you, sex in itself is ridiculous when you think about it – and I have had more than a few laughs in bed.

Many men have issues with the fact that women stop putting out after the commitment, and I am aligned with the guys.   I was in a long-term relationship and said no less than five times.  Five times!  My girlfriends thought I was crazy, but that’s because  many used sex as a weapon.  Some were promised things by their men in exchange for sex, and others would place the date on the fridge calendar, announcing the days their men could get some.  Ewwww.   I honestly never begrudged it – which made me wonder if I was, indeed, a freak.  No – I decided I was just extremely comfortable with sexual expression – I didn’t care where it was – what time it was or what I was doing – I was willing.   My relationship ended after several years but it had nothing to do with sex, I can promise you that much.  Relationship counseling experts were always surprised that we had a healthy sex life, because that’s often the first thing to go – and in our case, it never went.  The other issues turned out to be insurmountable, unfortunately, but our sexual lives kept us going and trying much longer than otherwise could have been predicted.  I have no regrets.

This last bit of advice is for the guys:

Approaching Guys

While indulging myself in American television sitcoms (read: watching “Friends”), I found a rare nugget of truth and lucidity amidst the usual tripe. Rachel is interested in a client at Bloomingdale’s, but he isn’t making any advances toward her. Turning toward Joey for advice, the following exchange occurs:

Rachel: So, what, should I just approach him?
Joey: Yeah, that’s a total turn on.
Rachel: But doesn’t that seem desperate?
Joey: …that’s why it’s a turn on!

This highlights an issue I dub the “Cinderella Complex,” in which women take un-engaged approaches with dating, expecting Mr. Right to find her in a magical moment of perfect synchronicity. On the other hand, a woman who is too proactive when it comes to dating — searching online, hitting bars and clubs merely to get picked up, constantly being set up — can reek of desperation, and also may have way, way too many options to choose from to ever be satisfied.

The way Rachel should solve her dilemma is to be proactive in sending out available signals and setting him up to make him think he’s asked her the question. This resolves the problem of appearing desperate, whilst also taking an active approach in meeting someone.

There are many context-specific ways to do this, which I will highlight a few:

• Smile — if this is a passing encounter with someone you don’t know (on the subway, walking down the street, or at a coffee shop). I often study at coffee shops, and have gotten picked up in this setting an inordinate amount of times, just by smiling and making eye contact.

• Don’t wear your iPod — I don’t listen to an MP3 player out in public, because it can be dangerous, as a jaywalking pedestrian in a busy city, and I find this often leaves me looking available.

• Look hot — This one speaks for itself. If you’re dressed well, it’s captured his attention already!

• Talk to him! — You can engage in conversation with someone who you think is cute, and frame it as something altogether friendly. This isn’t desperate. This establishes a framework in which he can ask you out in. If you like shy, bookish guys (as I do), this works so, so well. Especially in libraries, in which there is already common ground to strike up a conversation. If he doesn’t ask you out, there’s no harm in being invested in 30 seconds worth of conversation, which he’ll just chalk up as a nice encounter with a stranger.

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It’s OK to be Single

A common affliction of many women in our modern result-oriented, thrill-seeking society is the idea that a woman needs a man in order to be a complete person and gain the respect of others.

Many women today can’t fully accept the idea of being “single and OK,” and find contentment as an independent entity.  This dissonance leads many into the realm of desperation.

Desperation is a disease that is so overwhelmingly strong, its presence emanates from every pore of a person’s being.  Attempts to hide or relieve the symptoms temporarily are fleeting, at best.  Desperation leads people to:

• Tolerate terrible behavior, often with disastrous consequences.

source: dailymail.co.uk

• Settle for less and then regret it when they realize that settling doesn’t always lead to satisfaction. (And often leads to things like infidelity, nagging, etc.)
• Become so incredibly annoying as to turn off a perfectly fine prospect. For long-term commitment, personality and character does matter.
• Take actions which result in short-term gains but long-term losses. (She sleeps with him easily in order to keep his attention, but he eventually loses interest when he finds Ms. Hotter New Booty)
• Erode any sense of earned loyalty or respect when the fantasy that’s been built up around the other falls short.  (This commonly occurs when a person falls in love too fast, and is disappointed by the real person in front of them)
• Become crazy after a break-up.  They stalk, or try to sabotage their ex’s life.  Or they go into a spiral of despair; they may turn promiscuous trying to quickly recreate the good feelings they had with their ex, that they have now lost.

Just as many men are choosing to go their own way and find fulfillment outside of love, sex and relationships, women should also realize it’s OK to go your own way.

It’s OK to focus your energies on some other noble goal, if you feel that the pursuit of a relationship is doing you more harm than good.

It’s OK to be the only single girl when all of your friends have boyfriends and husbands.

It’s OK to go to social events alone, and be the 3^rd/5^th/21^st wheel (I have done it pretty much my whole life, you can too – and you may just be surprised by what happens :-) ).

Women can create a fulfilling life without a man, by pursuing passions in other areas of their lives.  Some pursuits are simply more difficult to do when in a relationship or with a family.

• Have you dreamed of spending a year in Spain learning to dance flamenco, cook paella and sip sangria?
• Have you ever thought it would be interesting to get a PhD in a subject you’ve always had an interest in?  And maybe even teach others on that subject, and make a difference in the lives of young people?
• Have you ever felt like you love children and love sees no color?  And you would be more than happy to give that love freely to children lacking in love?

The Hard Part

Loneliness is perhaps the most difficult part.  It’s important to maintain strong social network, whether through family or supportive friends.

Haters will try to bring a single girl down.  A girl needs to learn to give her attention mainly to those who are worthy of it (“good people”):

• Good people don’t laugh or chide a woman who for whatever reason, isn’t married by age 30.
• Good people will not act like it’s easy to find someone, and only a total loser girl can’t. Nowadays many men are able to get sex better, faster and cheaper, and many women are simply not going to find anyone.
• Good people will not judge a girl by her “success” as married or in a relationship, but instead will focus on what she create, says and does in all aspects of her life.

Women of the world, always remember:

You are an individual with a mind and hands that enable you to do all sorts of amazing things.  If you decide to give up your individual self to become part of a team unit, it should primarily be because it enhances your life and makes you extra happy.

Not because you get to show off Mr. Rich & Handsome to all your friends, have a fabulous$ wedding that is featured in the Times, or make designer babies everyone coos over.

Caution: If you decide to go your own way, or simply accept the single life for awhile (when everyone else says to hurry up while you are still young), proceed with caution.  At times your biological urges to make babies or be desire a partner to share life with will kick in.  You must train your mind to remember why you chose the path you did and why it’s OK.  Journaling, charting out a life plan, or simply writing out your goals can help.  Go back to these items any time you feel pissy: “It’s so hard to meet someone when you’re doing volunteer work in rural Cambodia, I wish I never came here” or “If only I hadn’t gone to graduate school, guys wouldn’t be intimated by me and would ask me out more.”  Always remember you made the choice you did for a reason that made sense when you made it.  Complaining will only bring you down and make you less attractive (stress wrinkles, lack of inner beauty, etc.), should you decide you want to get back in the game again and meet someone.

Shunning Perfection, Embracing Uniqueness

You don’t have to be perfect. You can’t be perfect. Nobody is.

We are constantly faced with the examples of other women and how we compare to them. Studying Girl Game, we are also faced by ideals of what a perfect female partner should aspire to be and what a beautiful woman should be.

Changing too much about you is unrealistic and can be counter-productive. Here’s the approach you need to adopt:

• Be honest with yourself, your nature and your limits.
• Avoid the failure cycle: You can aim too high and too soon. You find yourself unable to achieve your ambitious goal as your initial motivation fails and you feel like you have failed.  This may lead to even more bigger, ambitious goals to compensate for the failures, which will again be less achievable, which again will merit even more ambitious compensation. The probability of achieving what you want lessens. So does the level of your belief in yourself. If you didn’t manage a goal, set yourself a lower one. Take it slowly and surely; you’ll get there in the end.
• You need to develop long-term sustainable habits and regular routines — not short-term, ambitious and unsustainable temporary band-aid fixes. For example: with a diet, make a permanent, healthy minor change, rather than rapid weight loss.
• You have limited time and energy. Prioritise. Understand what is it about you that needs the most attention and focus on that. The first minimum effort is to focus on a healthy exercise and diet. This is the first priority before other aspects of your self: firstly, a healthy body gives you a healthy mind and soul. You have more energy and stay youthful; you’re buying time. Secondly, there is theoretically an infinite variation of male preferences. As long as you meet his threshold for physical attractiveness, you can find a man that matches your perspective on life and admires you, somewhere on this planet.
• Stay unique. Remember what makes you special. You can play to your strengths. You can ameliorate your weaknesses. You can be the better version of yourself. However, don’t exchange who you are for a different version that makes an uncomfortable fit. Don’t change unless you’re convinced you should. You are at your best when you are natural.

Let me re-emphasise the last point. There is something about you that is unique: do not downplay it, play it up. In order to permanently tie a man to you, he must be thinking ‘Whoa. I will never meet someone like her ever again.’**

**(In a good way. Not in a ’she is the biggest witch I have ever had the misfortune to meet’ way.)

What will make a man think this? It could be many things. It could be talents you have and interests you might share with him. It could be a genuine good nature. It could be aspects of your heritage or outlook on life. As part of prioritisation, working on what makes you you is definitely part of Girl Game. A woman who is truly at one with her nature, truly perfecting and improving it, truly finding pride in what makes her stand out in a good way.

Preserving the unique parts of you that are attractive to both you and others is also the most difficult skill; these facets make up a part of your overall gestalt.  It’s so easy to lose who we are in attempting to fit blanket ideals of perfection. More than that, the instinctive desire to conform is so powerful as to occur without being consciously notable. This is demonstrated every day in the way we change little affectations in our speech or manner.

Yet, what’s truly fascinating and compelling is what is found to be new, unexpected, exotic or refreshing. This can’t quite be captured in any rule.

Let me leave you with these thoughts. Yes, you are capable of so much more than you think you are. Do aspire. However, remember: aspiring sincerely and strategically is much more important than the ambitious goals you set yourself.

Turn Heads: Walking like a Champion

“I like the way you walk.  You look like you should be in a movie.  If I was sitting at a sidewalk cafe, and I saw you go by…yeah.” — The boyfriend, the first time he saw me

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It will not surprise you to learn that I have a healthy (perhaps unhealthy) amount of confidence — and that it absolutely emanates from my body when I walk.  It will also not surprise you to learn that such a confident strut is extremely attractive to men.  We’re not talking a business-like career-woman strut, or an aloof-bitch strut — just a sexy, slinky, catwalk.

Here are some tips on how to walk in a way that I guarantee will turn heads:

• Keep your shoulders back — in this age of computers and office jobs, most of us fall into the habit of hunching our shoulders.  Making a conscious effort to keep your shoulders back will elongate your neck (good), push your chest out (good), and keep you from having terrible back problems later in life (awesome!).
  

  Image Credit: Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

• Keep all dangly things to a minimum — there is a reason that supermodels don’t carry giant purses, grocery store bags, or umbrellas.  These things mess with your walk.  You don’t need a giant purse — all I ever need when I go out is my cell phone, credit card, driver’s license, and keys.  If that.  Sometimes I skip the cell phone.  Anything dangling on you (obnoxious scarves/capes included) will mess with your gait, and your hands should be free to swing lightly at your sides.  I avoid carrying purses and/or wearing coats, like the plague.
• Wear heels — you are sexier when you walk in heels.
• Keep your head still — your hips should be doing most of the movement, and your upper body/head should be relatively still.
• Feel the beat! – Imagine a song playing inside your head (any song, except for really slow songs), and walk to that beat.
• Put one foot in front of the other — like a cat.  In order to walk along narrow ledges, cats swing their paws out, around, and then finally land them in directly in front of the other paw to take a step.  It helps them both walk in a straight line and keep their balance.  It also makes their hips swing, but cats don’t really care about that.  People do, though.
• Point your toes — instead of walking heel-to-toe (as do most people), hit the ground with the ball of your foot first.
• Pace yourself — you shouldn’t look like you’re in a rush to get somewhere (unless you are in a rush to get somewhere), and you shouldn’t look like you have nowhere to go.  Walk like youknow where you’re going, but you’re in no hurry to get there (because, hey, look at you — you’re hot, people will wait).
• Wear something that shows off your legs — a skirt, form-fitting pants, or shiny leggings.
• Make eye contact — don’t look at the ground.  Don’t look at the sky.  Don’t look vacantly in front of you.  Look at the people around you.  Make eye contact with them (especially guys, but also girls), and hold it for a couple of seconds.  Smile.  Then look away, and do not look back again.
• Be confident!

A few things to avoid:

• Not smiling — you look like a bitch.
• Big obnoxious sunglasses, especially if it’s not sunny and/or dark — you look like a bitch.
• Wearing heels that don’t fit you and/or you cannot walk in — you look like you cannot walk.
• Wearing clothes that constantly need to be pulled down and/or “fixed” — like the “dangly things”, this messes with your walk and distracts you.

Guys like girls who emanate comfortable confidence.  I know some of the guys on this board may say otherwise — “I like when girls are insecure emotional losers — that’s hawt!” — but let’s just think about whether we’d like to have a guy like my boyfriend, or a guy like anonymous internet dude.

Passion… or manic depression

Published 00:00 GMT by Aoefe Ansar and Bhetti Ameen.

CANADA — Aoefe Ansar has been immersed deep within the confines of a specialist mental hospital for women, attempting to find the truths behind her hypothesis:

there is a high associated with love and sometimes the high is greater with men who play with our emotions – the heights simply feel higher because they bring us lower than we should probably go.

~On the Sustainability of Passion

sxc.hu/profile/thomash

She has unearthed a dark secret amongst the inmates.

“I loved the idea of passion. The highs, the lows, the sex. The idea of not being moved emotionally by the person I was with was just repulsive. I didn’t know it was a disease. I didn’t realise how bad the darkness could be,” says Kirsten, a young woman, “The breaking point was when my man left me for some bitch called Rachel. I couldn’t kill her or him. My anger had nowhere to go. Deep depression was my only avenue. I turned on the last person I should have turned on: myself.” Kirsten shows this reporter a tattoo: ‘P.M.A.F.T. Forever’.

“My psychotherapist said this tattoo was a form of self-harm.”

Claudia, 20, remarks, “There was no word from him for me for three whole days. Before he disappeared, he’d teased me saying I was dishonest. I didn’t think it anything of it at the time — I was on such a high — but then doubts started to gnaw at me. Then I became convinced he was more serious. Turns out he was mostly busy with work and not exactly putting me into the ‘No Contact Zone’, which is something I greatly feared. Would it have killed him to answer with a one-word text to any of my calls, asking for reassurance? Was it partially deliberate or not? It was too late by then. I’d swallowed a whole bottle of pills.”

A psychiatrist who wished to remain anonymous and wanted only to be known as Dr. XXX says, “There’s a definite trend here. These women are emotionally dependent on their partners. These abusive men train them like dogs. A spiral of despair could result from him saying the food she lovingly made for him needs less salt. Or from not calling her for days even after she calls him a few times. When he does give her attention, she goes into manic mode. The amount of happiness and energy is… well, I’m not supposed to say this as a psychiatrist but there’s no other word for it: the happiness and energy when he’s loving with her is insane. It can’t be normal for a mere human being. It’s normal for a dog but not a human being. It’s definitely mania.”

“Manic depression is remorselessly propagated and enabled by the media in the form of passion. I didn’t realise all my relationships were manifestations of this disease.” says Jane A, a professor in Literature and a former inmate of the facility that our savvy reporter tracked down. “Looking back, the first clue I should’ve had was my love of Wuthering Heights.” It certainly makes Jane A’s job harder. “My lecture halls are empty. I can’t teach anything with a hint of passion in it, not just for the good of my students but for me. Kazuo Ishiguro’s The Remains of the Day is my maximum limit. Otherwise, I become trapped into a ‘tingle cycle’ between the great memories and hopeless lonely despair. A memory that’s particularly an emotional rollercoaster for me was the time when I was on a literal rollercoaster with my ex one time. Oh God, here it comes.” Jane A is suddenly alternately laughing then sobbing. Once she composes herself, she snatches this reporter’s pen and notepad. When gripped by spasms of emotions, her main symptom is a prolific output of writing and poetry. Sylvia Plath was similarly afflicted.

The horrors resulting from this condition are clear: one new inmate spewed torrents of verbal abuse, due to a healthcare worker tearing up a photograph of her boyfriend. How could she not recognise it was for her own good? “They have no insight into their condition,” comments Dr. XXX. “They don’t see that their passionate relationships are causing this. I know this case. She bakes. Once he brought her to such an intense high that she made enough cookies to feed her whole neighbourhood. Triple chocolate cookies. All those people, victims of so much sugar. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, poor thing. She doesn’t know she’s worsening the obesity crisis. It’s this manic depression.”

Aoefe asks Dr. XXX if we can ever hope to cure this condition. “Doubtful,” he says, “It’s getting worse. Say, let’s fight it together. Would you be interested in a passion-free drink later?”

Aoefe walks away, wondering if she, too, can ever be free of the passion disease.

Mama’s Boys

In my few years of dating, I believe I’ve come to recognize a dangerous male specimen, more dangerous than in fact, the Alpha Male: the Mama’s Boy.

The Alpha Male has no pretensions about who he is and what he’s after. It’s evident in the swagger, to the seamless flirtations and of course, the electricity you sense every time he approaches. Alternatively, the Mama’s Boy comes in a variety of disguises, and may in fact be an Alpha Male in the limited sense of charming a lot of women.

diagnosisdujour.wordpress.com

In spite of often being nice, sweet & charming, with stable jobs and initially appearing as caring and family-oriented, long term relationship status is mere illusion with this all too common male specimen. His mother will always come before you, the girlfriend, and even if his best intentions are at heart, his mother will use her manipulative female wiles – perfected from the years of experience she has on you – to ally himself with her.

Aside from the already obvious shortcomings of the Mama’s Boy, they will unthankfully expect you to stand in as their mother, by making meals and practising general unending patience. Subsequently, the Mama’s Boy will always resort to being a child, emotionally and practically, even if he may be successful in his career or popular socially.

I’m not sure if they can ever be re-trained, as I’ve never stayed with one long enough to find out. My best advice to dispense if you have already fallen in love with the Mama’s Boy is to align himself with the mother first and foremost. You will never win the battle, so you must join forces. Get her to share in, or see, the benefits of your aims, and life will be easy for you.

Signs the Relationship’s On the Right Track

source: samscotti on photobucket.com

How serious is a guy about a girl?  This is a GirlGame topic I’ve heard my friends debate over a lot.

By “serious”, I mean, “is he committing to her wholeheartedly” (or will he, soon)?  How much is He into Her?

For girls who want to do the relationship, it’s better to identify the right guy sooner, rather than later. Identifying positive signs of being on the right path early is key.  A girl should try to minimize time and emotional energy wasted on dead-end relationships.

Relationships Develop in Stages

It’ s unrealistic to expect anyone, male or female, to go from the lightning jolt of attraction to someone they just met to getting married to the person.  At the very least, it’s unwise and quite risky.

I’m going to borrow an easy paradigm of the major stages a relationship goes through to identify stage-appropriate indicators of commitment. I am no Master GirlGamer, so these are just starting points to ponder.

Attraction

• He wants to see her again.  He calls her fairly soon after meeting. He wants to spend time with her in person over phone, Facebook or text.  Why?  Because he wants to see Ms. Hotness in the flesh.
• He is energetic and/or engaged around her.  He tries to show her a good time.
• He doesn’t give up if he doesn’t score on the first night or on dates afterward.  Note: a girl has to decide for herself what commitment she requires, if any, for physical relations.
• He brings his best Game, whether it’s PUA style, or some other variation.  He isn’t a drag, annoying, a complainer, nor does he have a big chip on his shoulder.
• He wants to see her on a regular basis.  There isn’t a huge gap between dates – even if he’s out of town, he calls and checks in on her.  Note: if he’s dating other girls (which is likely), another girl may be his #1 interest.  If a girl is a decent competitor, he will still stay actively interested in the other one; that girl may end up taking over the #1 spot.  If a girl is a weak competitor, his interest will be weak too.  She should proceed with caution and follow his lead – don’t take things too seriously quite yet.
  
• His interest increases, rather than decreases, over time.  He wants to see her more and more — daytime, nighttime, almost anytime.

Uncertainty

• This is the early make-or-break moment when two people naturally reflect and decide “What next?” If a guy disappears for a while, he’s either freaked out about getting too close, or has realized he doesn’t like her like that.
• If he comes back with enthusiastic interest, it’s OK.  He’ll often seem more engaged than before, like he’s just recharged his batteries.
• If he returns with lackluster, or only physical, interest, he’s probably not that into her.  He may halfheartedly stick with her until something better comes along.
• He might talk about how he doesn’t believe in marriage, or never wants to have kids.  She has to carefully observe whether he really means it. Note: a guy in his late 30s with an elaborate explanation probably means it; a guy in his 20s who just throws it out there like he’s showing off might be just, well showing off.

Exclusivity & Intimacy

• He makes regular dates with her.  He talks to her and sees her often.  Playing it cool, he just starts acting like that’s the normal thing to do.
• He shares with her.  He tells her interesting stories about what happens to him, his life, and his plans for the future. If he’s not a big talker, he shares his interests non-verbally, by scheduling activities around things that means a lot to him (sports, Sci-Fi, etc.). He doesn’t seem to hide a lot.
• He asks her to be exclusive first, on his own, without any hint-dropping or demands from her.
• He makes her part of his public face.  He asks her to work, social, and family events.  He might make things official on Facebook.
• She meets all of the people who matter to him — his family and friends.  (Siblings or just his best friend do not count.) With his friends, she meets almost everyone from childhood to present. They seem to share his enthusiasm for her after she passes their tests (she gets the feeling he shows her off, and has been talking her up).
• He includes her on major decisions, like relocation or buying a home. Her opinion matters to him and he expects her to be impacted.  He treats her like she is a part of his future.
• He brings up about long-term commitment, like marriage, slowly to see if she’s thinking the same.
• He is hot for her.  Majorly.

Engagement & Marriage

• On his own, he decides that making things permanent (marriage) is the way to go.  Note: sometimes he realizes this after she tells him she is leaving him (e.g., as sweetly as possible she tells that she is traditional girl, looks like he doesn’t share her views, so she needs to move on, etc. No matter what she does NOT put him down in any way for possibly not wanting to marry her.  She makes it all about her being different and having to go her own way.  Girls, a forced situation or ultimatum is always disastrous).
• With enthusiasm, he asks her to marry him.  Even if he’s not into wedding stuff, his heart is in it.  He’s excited about their life together and even if he has lingering doubts, he’s confident in his choice and his conviction overcomes those doubts/questions every time.

6 Reasons Why Every Girl Might Want to Try A Romance Novel

I’m a fan of the romance genre, but let us be clear: this doesn’t mean I’m a fan of every book in it. I expand on this at length here .

So, how might a romance novel improve your GirlGame?

1) It’s all about the love, baby.

The romance genre can also be called “chick porn”. I initially found this very offensive. I still think it’s an overt simplification some men use in order to understand things from a sexually-driven worldview. Porn, to me, implies real-life actors engaging in real-life cheap acts with no refinement, build up or meaning. Basically, making a comparison to porn is a totally different ballgame to me. Porn is about sex and nothing else. Do women really read romance novels, as a whole, solely for instant and obvious sexual excitement?

After having many dialogues about this, I understand the context for making the comparison better. An essential and prominent component of female sexuality is the social dynamic between a man and a woman, especially when initially forming their relationship. There is frustration, rejection and a great amount of emotion: all elements that feed women’s sexual desires. These elements do this without explicit sexual content. You engage with the man you’re with: you have drama, external or internal. You obsess about him and he becomes the centre of your existence. You love him. You sleep with him. These become inseparable in romance novels: love and sex are tied together, they happen together whether the characters themselves know it or not.

What a romance novel teaches you again and again is that love and adoration is what best gets you off in ways that’re the best sexually and also beyond sexual; this is what you should want to have and demonstrate to the person you’re with.

2) She’s like a virgin.

Invariably, the heroines are, in fact, virgins. If not, their hero is their first good sexual experience. I don’t think this is something only men find appealing; I think the importance of first and only appeals to women as well despite the difficulties in applying this, practically. Every woman is aware, or should be aware, of three things:

• her standards climb after each man she is with.
• the inconceivability of breaking a relationship off also decreases each time it happens.
• the pool of men who will accept her for herself and be unthreatened by it in a longer relationship may grow smaller with the accumulation of experience.

Regardless, sexual attraction, and acting on it, is tied to love — don’t cheapen it and don’t make it harder for yourself by slutting it up.

3) Tingles without the steeples.

Explicit sexual content in these novels does vary. You have to go into romantica realm a lot of the time for content that isn’t boring in its nature. Although I will confess to tingling from romance novels and the hero/heroine exchanges (or just by virtue of the hero himself), its not unusual for me to skip or skim a sex scene itself depending on the writing.

In any case, it’s a good outlet for sexual exploration for the average woman in safety without the requirement for an actual male. You start getting an idea of what you like, an idea of what to do (I found out you can bite, lick, suck, nibble, have a pattern).

The problem with little sexual experience is that you’re competing in a market where there is overall a lot of it. Although passion and enthusiasm are required to form the real magic ingredients, you need to find little ways to compensate your lack of experience.

4) He’s like a… blank.

What particular exchanges or pairings attract you? What kind of man are you into? These novels allow light exploration and confirmation of this without going through endless ranks of different men.

5) It sends out subtler signals.

I like being professional and traditional, especially in university or work settings. However, I don’t bother hiding what I’m reading around my peers.  I’ve had male friends give me reconsidering looks and comments about this. It seems to generate just the right mix of signals, if you want to retain your modesty, but somehow say (without saying) that you’re not a frigid careerist prude. It’s certainly not my intention to invoke this reaction; it’s just what I’ve observed in many settings. Amidst your discussion, you may throw in how sappy you are. This presents the fait accompli if his normal impression of you is that you’re unapproachable, which would ordinarily prevent him thinking about you in that way.

6) You learn what not to do.

The people in a romance novel can be the most frustrating you’ve met, particularly the heroine. If you’re looking at it with the right frame — that is, what unnecessary idiotic actions delayed the happy ending here — then you can learn a lot about what not do. An example to illustrate might be my review on Josie Litton’s Come Back to Me.

Cautions:

1) False expectations about your man, the relationship and true love.

No, he does not like it when you’re being “feisty” (the true definition of “feisty” rhymes with witch). No, he cannot guarantee a vaginal O and both of you coming at the same time, every time. Yes, there will be morning breath. Yes, you do have to work to make it last. No, he will not always, always fall in love with you if you sleep with him. No, you do not know within five seconds whether you’re in love; you only know whether or not he repulses you.

2)You have to extrapolate what happens off the page.

You do not often get told how it works out after the romance, when there’s baby vomit, unpaid bills, the controlling mother-in-law or his drunk Uncle Harry telling you how lovely your eyes are.

3) Tingles reaching volcanic levels.

It often doesn’t ease your frustration about love and sex (although possibly giving the illusion short-term), it increases and fuels your desire for it. Thus, the religious view of “reading for sexual pleasure as sinful” is justifiable, I might add.

This is mostly a disadvantage if you’re trying to stay chaste. Otherwise, I’ve often heard women talk about the fun side effects for their partners.

Related:

• Here’s a link to Harlequin’s free e-books; a not inconsiderable portion are not exactly the gems of the genre (Aside: Baby Bobanza and its cover are just laugh out loud hilarious. God, the writers must hate Harlequin’s marketing department).
• Favourite authors of mine (who I’m hopelessly behind on):
  • Victoria Dahl who is hot no matter what century she’s writing about.
  • Meljean Brook who writes with intelligence and emotion that spans millenia.
  • Nalini Singh who writes powerful characters that are all about the teamwork; one interesting construction in her world which recurs in fantasies and paranormals is a contrast between uncontrolled, primitive emotion and overtly repressed emotion.
• The “romance” (I’m assuming it ends happily, haven’t read the last book) that is dominating the public consciousness is Twilight. I like this comment on it showing how romance novels can elevate your game if read correctly. Hilariously, most of the mentions and obsessions about it have been the overanalyses in this corner of the blogosphere by men. I’m thinking this is valueless: at this point in its popularity, the movie itself is operating on preselection and can prove nothing. Secondly, the popularity of Twilight is indeed part of a fascination with the paranormal that seems to be intensifying. This isn’t unprecedented: a parallel can be drawn to the popularity of the Gothic genre, parodied in Austen’s Northanger Abbey who seemed to be repressively rolling her eyes at the trend.