Skip to content

Thanks everyone!

June 21, 2011
by

Girl Game is and was a collective venture. We as the writers had many goals. We wanted to formalise a realistic stance for women in the modern world of relationships.  We wanted balanced perspectives from modern, scientific, traditional, philosophical and cross-cultural schools of thought to evaluate what might be a woman’s happy strategy with regards to gender relations. We also wanted to provide insights to the games women play when it comes to men.  We wanted to have fun doing it.

I feel that in the course of GG’s history, we’ve achieved pretty much what we set out to do. The writers have  either found permanent personal romantic happiness or are well on their way to achieving it. Girl Game naturally found its conclusion.

Girl Game is now officially inactive, with the caveat that a page may be created to highlight key posts for anyone who wishes to consult the site. Feel free to continue to leave comments.

Thank you for reading, inspiring, criticising and providing interesting discussions. I wish you all the best in love and life.

Help A Guy Out: the 30 Year Old Virgin

April 21, 2011
by

Here he is and he’s probably turned to the wrong place for help.

I think it’s best if a guy talked to him and got his email. Maybe actually try and meet him in person too.

This seems so common these days. Modern society has bred so many disaffected males and left them no masculine role models. I don’t have any data to back this up, but I suspect a good portion of these men will be kids of single mothers and Christians from a distinctly diluted school of Christianity.

That’s besides the point. Men aren’t taught what sexually appealing behaviour is, or encouraged to exhibit it.

The issue becomes more delicate with time. If you don’t start young, there’re so many psychological blocks that you must get over. These guys need to go through going back into the dating scene gently. At 30, there isn’t the hormonally-driven desperation of the younger years and confidence will need to be built up slowly.

Yes, there’s a component of these men that’re socially retreating. I don’t believe they’re the actual majority, having interacted with quite a few of their number. However, I don’t accept the premise they can’t learn social skills that women would find sexually appealing and demonstrate loving behaviour, if they find social life difficult. I know personally two cases of men with Asperger’s syndrome who built romantic relationships successfully.

Test Results: Evaluating ‘The Approach’

April 20, 2011
by

373 people on helloquizzy.com have taken this test at the time of writing.

Women mostly scored Inviting Seductress, followed by The One In Denial (the trait ‘MissBennetty’ is named after Pride and Prejudice’s Miss Bennets), followed by The Confused One, followed by the Tigress. I’m pleased to note noone really scored The Amazon.

For guys, this might be an interesting message to take away; she may find you attractive already even though she has sent very little positive signals your way. Don’t be put off by an initial lack of interest: Approach, approach, stick with it!

Initially, when I first set up the test, I linked it on roissy’s comments. At that point in time, more men scored Tigress than anything else, which was reasonably good news. The trend has now shifted to mirror the pattern of women at the time of writing.

More or less, I see a mixture of being positively inviting and aggressive as the best strategies to take in most situations.

I’d like to take this opportunity to reflect back on ‘A Test of Your Game’. There was a great range of responses there.

Not Approach: This is a variation of the ‘One in Denial’ strategy.

Hope

I would be very leery of approaching a guy like that for a long-term relationship. Guys like that have so many girls to choose from, they’ll likely be eternal bachelors. In fact when I was single I learned to not go for the good looking guys that all the girls were after. They were usually eyeing more attractive girls than me.

I always became acquainted with guys first, before showing any interest. The only exception to this was my first boyfriend. I was in high school and found him cute, and he approached me after I made numerous eye contact. That eventually turned into an awful relationship in which communication was nearly impossible. He was not that bad of a guy, but we weren’t compatible.

What I’m trying to say is that the chances of a guy being a good long-term material, when he’s good looking enough to pique your interest on looks alone, are not good, not good at all. So don’t go chasing after such men if you don’t want to get played or don’t want to just have a short fling. Never ever go after men on basis of their looks or status alone. Well, unless you have supermodel good looks (which I lack, so yeah).

I am pretty much in the camp of ‘Random dude: what do you really know about him?’, except I don’t think a man’s a player just because he’s attractive. That’s probably more true in a liberal climate.  There are some culturally specific circumstances in which I’d approach but not in this scenario.

Y

Personally I would [not] appraoch.

1. because Im too shy

2. If I were starting at a guy and he didnt so much as glance at me I would assume he is avoiding my gaze.

This, however, is a reason I disagree with. Clearly Y you’re very pretty and men would be interested. You should try something like what singlegirlie did if you’re too shy.

Passive approach: a variation of the Inviting approach

Tvuluture

Looking someone in the face and holding the gaze would close the distance between people and promote friendliness. Or at least let you know right away who isn’t going to be friendly. The trick is when you do look them in the face, you have to look friendly, not indignant or frozen. It’s not easy to be relaxed like that with a stranger, that’s why it’s tough. Tough for both men and women.

The famous Gaze. You’re not guaranteed he’ll bite at the bait. It’s worth a try. The easiest way is to look at him, then smile. You can always switch to more direct methods if he doesn’t bite. My mother would tell me the best way to do it is hold the gaze, then look away. This is in a society where women usually avoid looking at men directly. In that context, its a clear signal of interest. In this context? Probably not. I’d calibrate it up slowly so that he had a chance to check me out and feel I was interested before I talked to him.

Challenge

Outside? Ask for a light.

If he has it, say, “Oh, I don’t smoke.”

If he doesn’t, say, “That’s okay, I don’t smoke.”

Smile at him.

If he’s sly, he’ll get it. If he’s not, he’ll be confused.

Continue the conversation anyway. Ask him what’s so important that he had to leave us (your group) alone.

Interesting. I do think there’s a problem of him believing that she is wierd when she does it this way, especially if he does become confused which he may very easily be. The question about his private phonecall could seem hostile or too personal.

vomit

Wait for him to get off the phone. Walk up. Say hi.

That’s it.

A bit of a tease, where do you take it from there? Does he know you’re interested?  I do like its simplicity and it certainly works better than doing nothing. With shy girls, only having this prerehearsed will make them freeze after that hi.

Unusual Approach: a variation of being ‘Confused'; wouldn’t have put answers like these on the quiz.
Firepower

to snare a guy out there, you gotta distract his Girlfriend: hand lilgrl a mirror

heh! Showing up women in a man’s social group in indirect ways is something I’m sure some women have employed as a strategy.

Lovelysexybeauty

After texting your wingman the cue, you dawdle in front of your target. You make sure to give him a generous booty show (if you feel breath coming your way that means he is looking). You turn around and look back over your shoulder nonchalantly, briefly giving eye contact.

Just then your wingman arrives, as your target is perhaps is checking out your sideb00b view (your eyes had already turned to look behind him, seemingly for someone). Your wing then snatches your purse.

You struggle a bit with the “thief” but with your limited girlish strength it’s a struggle… Hair is flipping around… you are teetering on your heels…your dress is creeping up your thies… If your target doesn’t step in, perhaps your wing takes off running clumsily (on purpose of course). You yell (girlishly)…

This is your target’s last chance to hopefully jump in and chase down the “thief”, grabbing the prize purse away in a triumphant show of manly valor.

If all goes well…your target brings your purse to you. You show delight at the heroic deed! You thank him (but not too profusely, you don’t want trip off any “space crowding” or “hysterical weird girl” sensors).

As you talk and laugh you even throw in a little kino as you lightly touch his bicep and say “Wow you really tackled that guy… kickboxing class never taught me that!” (Or something hopefully less cheesy that that lol)

You openly check him out for just a flash of a second, letting your eyes linger on his form (he’ll get the hint if he has any sense). You blind him with your smile as your friends and onlookers join in the admiration and give him instant social status.

You ask how you can thank him… Hopefully a this point he goes for it and asks for your number/drinks/dinner.

Oh wait… LA is in Hollywood right? Oops. I was thinking more about Bollywood. ;-) lol

By the way it seems like most men will check out an @$$ when one is in their view. Since the girl isn’t face to face, they seem to feel comfortable looking. Of course then they wonder how the face measures up to the behind. Hence trying to provoke his attention indirectly.

I agree a girl should not make any direct moves to not stymie long term potential. She needs to make him think he noticed her, etc. Even if she places herself in his view on purpose, or does something to break ice if he doesn’t take the bait. Maybe she could open her bag and papers fly out toward him, or she loses her keys, or acts like she lost her keys to her car/cant find her car/lost something… These “artificial” problems I think can give him an “ok” signal to step in. But HE must choose to step in, in my opinion. She can only give indirect green lights.

Just my opinion of course.. And purely theoretical (I can only attest to these things having worked, but not always working for everyone).

Hehe, the Bollywood approach. A learning point from this fun fictional escapade is knowing your target’s demographic. What would appeal to him or his sense of humour? What commonalities would bind you together in a way that even transcends the social group he is currently in?

Another learning point is the look you’re projecting. Regardless of whether you err on the side of sexuality or modesty, you need to look your best when you go out.

Direct Approach: a variation of the Tigress approach

LR

Smile genuinely at the man

Walk over *and own that shit* to him, immediately sit down without invite

And say “I think you’re really hot and I want you to take me out.”

Commence slow-moving smile/smirk.

And as you stand up abruptly, sling your number down on the table.

Walk away and say nothing to him. By the time he gets done scrambling for your number and looks back up……..guess what? He get to watch you walk away now, too.

There it is, ladies. I don’t care who you are, what you look like, but if do exactly what I said and make sure to do it in a somewhat aloof/arrogant but also smiling and charming way.

This is a great strategy… if you want a hook up, or a boost of gratification for your ego. It establishes your status as a sex object but not so much as girlfriend material. I’d be turned off if a man scrambled over anything I did or kowtowed to my ‘I want you to take me out’ line.  He’ll definitely be doing it with the expectation that he’s going to get something. That something isn’t going to be a relationship and if you don’t put out, it can be difficult for him to not be annoyed about that. This however is a risk you run with asking out any man directly, or even indirectly. A man once offered to give me his number when I simply talked to him in a party setting; I genuinely wanted something else by talking to him.

Being aggressive is the best way to definitively get a guy’s attention.

Finally, what the ridiculously adorable singlegirlie actually did:

She [singlegirlie's friend] suggested I just go over and give Beanie Boy my number, and naturally, I looked at her like she was a crackhead. Like a true pal, she wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and offered to give it to him for me. My response: “NO! NO! Don’t you dare!”

[...] When we were a safe three-quarters of a block away, I did something very daring. I turned to my friend and said, “OK… go ahead.” She ran back to give it to him while I ran the other way and hid behind a giant palm.

One of my finest adult moments, indeed.

We scurried back to the car, giggling like schoolgirls. And you know what? He texted me. We texted back and forth all day and it’s the weirdest thing ever, but it’s fun.

She is just so cute. I wonder how it turned out?

Good friends are indispensible to the shy girl. You don’t really want to lose too much of that shyness around the man in question if that’s your natural disposition, while still being a mature woman otherwise: it can be endearing.

I believe the reasons girls don’t approach is because its rare that we want to. This is a composite of not being as visual as men as well as being less risk-taking. There’s a definite primitive risk component in approaching a man you don’t know.

However, there’re lots of ways to get around this, including indirect approaches and showing your interest effusively.

I think the two best approaches to take are a mix between ‘Inviting Seductress’ and ‘Tigress’. After you’ve shown him you’re interested, you can reign back so that you’re showcasing yourself as girlfriend material.

What I’d do if I had the courage and didn’t talk myself out of the fact that I was actually attracted is try and get someone to introduce me, with first finding out who he is if possible.  PUAs also use that technique.I may also move my friends near him, have fun with them for a bit and then involve him in our interaction with a fun line you can play with: ‘Look, you don’t know us but I want to know what you think. My friend says I look like *insert actress*. Is that true?!’ Then you can go on to playing with who he might look like.

Test How An Attractive Stranger Sees You

April 10, 2011

Inspired by this blog post, I designed a playful little test: Click here.

Guys are welcome. Substitute all references to males with females.

 

Rape Fantasies in my ‘Part of the World’

April 1, 2011

It’s hostile attacks that misrepresent what people say like this that gets Mu’min/Obsidian banned from commenting on this blog and others. However, there’s an interesting point to make in responding to this.

Since you are the cheerleading squad for religious and repressed women having rape fantasies – lets talk about what happens to raped women from the area of the world YOUR parents and grandparents are from.

I doubt they can afford the “luxary” of such a fantasy when the reality of such means they would get 60 lashes at best and beheaded at worst.

Mu’min

‘cheerleading squad’? What vicious libel. No. I do not recall actively encouraging anyone to have rape fantasies. At the same time, I don’t think they should remotely be treated as freakish either, especially since they appear to be possibly very common.

I stated they’re probably more common in women who would feel guilty about being sexually active.  Informing this statement is the literature on the subject and personal experience with being from ‘that part of the world’, where unlike Mu’min’s stereotyping views, there are different attitudes all across the Arab world, sectors of society, religious differences and different individual attitudes as well.

It’s rather offensive that he called it a ‘luxury’ to have these fantasies, as if there’s much of a choice. Perhaps he should go read the original study to understand how they use the word fantasies in their study. It includes experiences that are mind exercises for if a rape should happen especially to women who it has happened to before, not just mental imaginings that are pleasureable in the popular sense of ‘fantasy’.

The context in which I made the comment was speaking in a Western context rather than from my ‘part of the world’. I stand by the statement even more strongly in these areas.

Additional reasons for women expressing their sexuality mentally through violence in areas of sexual repression is because of the very phenomenon of his dark invocation of the consequences of being sexually open. Even kisses are banned on public television in more areas than you would predict. The main way in which sexual themes are talked about is via horror stories or warnings, which includes the media and private talks by other women. This seems to be true in what I have seen of Bollywood as well and my interaction with South Asian peers.

Warnings that sound just like the above by Mu’min. Warnings that are true. Warnings that are sometimes true. Warnings that are totally exaggerated. It doesn’t matter, these stories geared to suppress sexuality irrespective of reality are prevalent.

I once sat with a circle of middle-aged liberal Arab women, who watch Sex and the City. The most detailed discussion they ever had about sex was recalling stories of sexual assault. My proto-feminist mother once said to a male cousin of hers that she could deal with any man. His reaction to this was pinning her down, genuinely frightening her. He didn’t do anything to her, but told her: ‘This is how easily a man could rape you.’ This did not effect her indomitable will, but it did teach her a valuable lesson about understanding reality.

At the same time, that would have been the closest thing to sexual experience she would have had in her life up to that point if she upheld the social standards of sexual chastity expected from women. It is part of humanity to long for sexual experiences, and like food, we do what we can with the scraps we can get if we’re starved of it.

Because of the dual contexts of increased guilt about sexual openness and the prevalent way in which sex is portrayed to women by their peers and the media in a primarily fear-laden and violent way, women in the Middle East most probably experience their sexuality in conflicted fantasies of assault and rape.

Healthy Body, Healthy Game, Healthy Mind, Healthy Soul

March 7, 2011
by

To live healthily is not simply a matter of what you eat or how much your exercise. It is a form of being, a lifestyle, a philosophy and an attitude.

What I like about aoefe’s switch to primal/paleo is that it is holistic and global. It addresses many aspects of the way we live and gives underlying principles which are intuitive to us. It is important that healthiness becomes  integrated as an inner part of you, not simply something you aim for.

It is perhaps strange to think about healthy living not in terms of its parts and technicalities, but a philosophy. However, that is precisely the best and easiest way to do it.

Learn to listen to your body. Your body sends you signals when it is not happy with what you are doing to it. It also sends signals when what you’re doing is good for it. It will send you signals when you have too much of something, which would otherwise be good for you in moderation.

Everything in moderation.

Ignore those signals and it will become difficult to hear them.

Enjoy the natural world around you, the world you were born to, the world you were adapted and created for. Meditate, pray, contemplate and be mindful in the stillness. Enjoy the sun, exercise, the air. Enjoy the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the flavours.

Take your time and savour. Savour your experiences, savour your food, savour it all. Do not binge. Take a little and enjoy it fully. Smell, taste, immerse yourself in it.

Look only for the best. Look for what is natural to you.

Learn to listen to the signals in your environment. Avoid toxicity. Avoid unhealthiness. Avoid toxins. Avoid toxic people. Avoid toxic situations. Keep the negativity out. Keep the negative chemicals out. Keep the stress that pushes you beyond your capabilities to total exhaustion out, the cortisol, the type A personality worrying that will stress and your body forever more. Only allow into you and around you what is healthy.

Seek health, seek the knowledge of health, seek the nature of health.

Care about your food, what energy is in your food, what went into making it, who made it.

The mind, the body and the soul: they are all connected. Cause becomes effect, and effect becomes cause.

Lonely people become sick. Healthy people are attractive. Being healthy inside attracts health from the outside. Positivity attracts positive.

Healthy Body, Healthy Game: Nutrition & Dietary Regimes

March 4, 2011

Let’s keep it simple.

First, be aware of what your intake is. Keep a food diary for how long it takes. Note roughly how much of your food is carbohydrate, fats and protein. Note your rough portion size. Note when and why you snack. Note how you eat your food. Note the way you eat in relation to someone of similar genetic mix to you that you consider healthy. Read through the nutritional values in anything you buy. You’d be surprised how much you start to do simply because of the insight you attain simply from taking the time to observe.

Now make small, gradual changes. Different strokes for different folks, but small gradual changes are what stick for me rather than a dramatic instant change. As a general principal, gradual change is easier for your body to adjust to.

What adjustments to make? It depends on what you’ve seen from your analysis. Here’re some suggestions:

  • Simple sugars are ‘bad’ carbohyrates, and complex sugars or fibre are good carbohydrates. You could look for markers such as the glycaemic index of foods: the lower the index, the better. The lower the glycaemic index, the more time that carbohydrate takes to get broken down and the less of a sugar rush you get all at once attacking your system, and the less of an associated low and increase in appetite that comes after it. You could add more cereals, bran, fruits and vegetables to your regimen, whilst minimising the sweets to rarer treats.
  • Trans fats are definitely ‘bad’ fats, saturated fats may or may not be ‘bad’ fats but not as bad [ed: see here]. Unsaturated fats are relatively good fats. The main thing to aim for is to definitely avoid trans fats (hydrogenated oil: one hidden one to watch out for is french fries in fast food chains) and increase your intake of unsaturated fats. Unsaturated fats can be found in all sorts of places some of which are nuts and oily fish.
  • Especially during the times you’re working out, it’s definitely worth thinking about kicking up your protein intake a notch.
  • Lowering your salt intake is thought to be protective of blood pressure. Start by not adding salt to your foods. You’ll get used to the taste quickly enough, and there’ll be salt added to whatever sauces you use anyway.
  • The nutrient yield from organic foods gram for gram is meant to be better than their counterparts. Organic fruit and vegetables also contain more antioxidants. In general, opt for food that is higher quality if you can and produced in a cleaner way. You are what you eat, and spoiling yourself this way is not a waste at all. Attempt to grow your own vegetables: I’ve managed tomatoes in pots in a flat! I won’t pretend the yield was great, but it certainly is much more satisfying.
  • Rediscover the joy of cooking. Cooking is a good option, including storing for yourself a meaty salad or some such for your lunch to work. The advantage of cooking is that you know what you eat, you control how much it costs and you have fun doing it. I like cooking as a social activity. Don’t forget you eat with your eyes too: a dish presented beautifully gives you more pleasure.
  • Watch the way you eat. Savour your food: look at it and smell it and taste it and chew slowly. Don’t eat until you’re too full but don’t leave yourself hungry either. Take small portions and then go back for more.
  • Be aware of your needs and what your body is telling you. Match your intake roughly to your individual energy expenditure, which will be different from everyone else’s. If you’re having a lazy day, you’ll need less energy than if you’re stressed, run off your feet all day at work and went to the gym. The exception is when you’re sick: you’ll need to up your intake.
  • Recognise the triggers for you eating in ways that you consider unhealthy. Do you do it when you’re bored, when you’re in a group of people who have atrocious eating habits, when you want comfort, when you’re in the kitchen or if you leave the cookies out in plain sight instead of hidden away? Whatever trigger you identify, you need to avoid it or psychologically change your reaction.
  • When you do treat yourself occasionally, do it guilt free and genuinely enjoy yourself. Knowing that you will treat yourself means you don’t cave in to temptation meanwhile.

I’m going to emphasise again that you need to aim for permanent change that suits you. You don’t have to be perfect. Aim for long-term change and avoid faddy crash diets. Weight fluctuations aren’t particularly good for you:  for example, they result in a loss of elasticity to your skin thus dreaded stretch marks and quite possibly an accelerated ageing process. There’re theories that the fluctuations cause other forms of harm to the body, but there’s not quite enough evidence to say either way. In any case, fluctuating habits don’t achieve the goal of a stable increase in contentment and health.

Pertinent to our talk of health and diet is aoefe’s adventures with paleo.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 80 other followers