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Shunning Perfection, Embracing Uniqueness

December 7, 2009

You don’t have to be perfect. You can’t be perfect. Nobody is.

We are constantly faced with the examples of other women and how we compare to them. Studying Girl Game, we are also faced by ideals of what a perfect female partner should aspire to be and what a beautiful woman should be.

Changing too much about you is unrealistic and can be counter-productive. Here’s the approach you need to adopt:

  • Be honest with yourself, your nature and your limits.
  • Avoid the failure cycle: You can aim too high and too soon. You find yourself unable to achieve your ambitious goal as your initial motivation fails and you feel like you have failed.  This may lead to even more bigger, ambitious goals to compensate for the failures, which will again be less achievable, which again will merit even more ambitious compensation. The probability of achieving what you want lessens. So does the level of your belief in yourself. If you didn’t manage a goal, set yourself a lower one. Take it slowly and surely; you’ll get there in the end.
  • You need to develop long-term sustainable habits and regular routines — not short-term, ambitious and unsustainable temporary band-aid fixes. For example: with a diet, make a permanent, healthy minor change, rather than rapid weight loss.
  • You have limited time and energy. Prioritise. Understand what is it about you that needs the most attention and focus on that. The first minimum effort is to focus on a healthy exercise and diet. This is the first priority before other aspects of your self: firstly, a healthy body gives you a healthy mind and soul. You have more energy and stay youthful; you’re buying time. Secondly, there is theoretically an infinite variation of male preferences. As long as you meet his threshold for physical attractiveness, you can find a man that matches your perspective on life and admires you, somewhere on this planet.
  • Stay unique. Remember what makes you special. You can play to your strengths. You can ameliorate your weaknesses. You can be the better version of yourself. However, don’t exchange who you are for a different version that makes an uncomfortable fit. Don’t change unless you’re convinced you should. You are at your best when you are natural.

Let me re-emphasise the last point. There is something about you that is unique: do not downplay it, play it up. In order to permanently tie a man to you, he must be thinking ‘Whoa. I will never meet someone like her ever again.’**

**(In a good way. Not in a ‘she is the biggest witch I have ever had the misfortune to meet’ way.)

What will make a man think this? It could be many things. It could be talents you have and interests you might share with him. It could be a genuine good nature. It could be aspects of your heritage or outlook on life. As part of prioritisation, working on what makes you you is definitely part of Girl Game. A woman who is truly at one with her nature, truly perfecting and improving it, truly finding pride in what makes her stand out in a good way.

Preserving the unique parts of you that are attractive to both you and others is also the most difficult skill; these facets make up a part of your overall gestalt.  It’s so easy to lose who we are in attempting to fit blanket ideals of perfection. More than that, the instinctive desire to conform is so powerful as to occur without being consciously notable. This is demonstrated every day in the way we change little affectations in our speech or manner.

Yet, what’s truly fascinating and compelling is what is found to be new, unexpected, exotic or refreshing. This can’t quite be captured in any rule.

Let me leave you with these thoughts. Yes, you are capable of so much more than you think you are. Do aspire. However, remember: aspiring sincerely and strategically is much more important than the ambitious goals you set yourself.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. December 7, 2009 1:39 am

    I love the last line Miss Bhetti. Seeking aspirations sincerely & strategically – has a little bit of s.a.s.s. to it don’t you think. ;)

    It’s a hard one, I’ll admit, to keep faith in myself when I’m constantly faced with my imperfections – when in the right frame of mind I remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect. Perfectionistic tendancies have impeded me more than helped me.

  2. Real Woman permalink
    December 7, 2009 1:52 am

    Contrary to what a few dudes (and LSB) here say, I never downplay my intellect, never play up my sexuality, and rarely flirt. I’m just real and down to earth and you wouldn’t believe the amount of guys of all ages, younger and older, who cling to me because I’m “different” and “refreshing”, as they put it.

    No game is my game. And I ain’t struggling like the girls who play games are. I guess it’s my air of detachment and genuine non-neediness that attracts them.

  3. mdb9195 permalink
    December 7, 2009 3:20 am

    Bhetti,

    Great post. For the most part, though, it seems like it can also apply to guys, particularly your last line. Maybe this a post that just “good game, period” and not just “good girl game”.

    Real Woman,

    Maybe your location has something to do with your success? You don’t say where you are, but being “down to earth” can certainly be a breath of fresh air in image-obsessed/trendy/plastic place like L.A., NYC, Miami, etc. I’m in L.A., and after dealing with so many celebrity gossip junkies/fashionista-type women meeting one who doesn’t obsess over that B.S. is refreshing indeed. “Real and down to earth” definitely stands out from the rest in a good way in this environment.

  4. December 7, 2009 12:32 pm

    Aoefe, yes! For you especially, it’s just making yourself incredibly unhappy when you’re wonderful and lovely. I can’t seem to recall what other problems perfectionism might result in at the moment.

    Real woman:

    I guess it’s my air of detachment and genuine non-neediness that attracts them.

    And the good looks, mostly.

    Android mdb9195, you’re welcome to rework it the way Mr. Quintero did with LILGRL’s Art of Promenading post over at his blog:
    http://www.phoenixism.net/?p=1718

  5. December 7, 2009 2:15 pm

    posts like this is why i luv the GirlGame site sooo much. girls always use judgement. Who’ll win? bhetti’s grad school level analyses and moral essays, or lilgrl’s 100 response post on how to shake it.

  6. Real Woman permalink
    December 7, 2009 3:10 pm

    “And the good looks, mostly.”………..

    No Bhetti, unlike most American women, I don’t have an over-inflated ego regarding my looks. I am pleasant looking, easy on the eyes, but not gorgeous. I scrub up nice but probably most people would call me “cute” more than “beautiful”.

    I do not dress provatively and I don’t wear makeup or glam it up (on the rare occasion, maybe).

    On an ordinary day I probably wouldn’t elicit second glances from men.

    So no, it’s NOT the “looks mostly”, it’s mostly the personality.

    [sofia: are you so stupid to think we don't know the ip is the same between white girl/culturephile/dadt/spirit fest/whatever junky name you come up with? aaaah, you are so dumb.]

  7. December 7, 2009 3:31 pm

    Scat!

    This is a blog forum for HOT girls only

  8. December 7, 2009 3:48 pm

    Definitely A Real Woman: I admit to saying that in order to get how you look out of you. Should’ve just straightforwardly asked.

    FP: eyeroll. I’m sure posts from you on how to light fires would trump all.

  9. Real Woman permalink
    December 7, 2009 3:53 pm

    If this is a blog forum for hot (i.e. gorgeous) girls only, how come all the girls with photos look simply “moderately attractive” at best?

  10. December 7, 2009 5:28 pm

    Real Woman: Burn. Hate the Fireplayer, not the Game.

  11. Dreamer permalink
    December 7, 2009 5:31 pm

    Good life advice.

  12. mdb9195 permalink
    December 7, 2009 6:00 pm

    Bhetti,

    Android….ha! Sadly I am a man but not a robot. If I was an android I might get everything done perfectly, but I wouldn’t be unique, and isn’t that missing your point?

    It is kind of hard for me to re-work this post a la David Quintero & LIL, since LIL’s advice did have some very gender-specific elements for David to revise and “testosterone up” (especially WRT fashion and “jangly things”). I also think that yours is a great post and I don’t have any major disagreements with what you’ve written, but there are some “wrinkles” that I would add if I was going to pass it along to my cousin or other younger male relatives/friends:

    **”Be honest with yourself, your failures and your limits”.

    Agree completely and works for guys as well. Guys can BS & bluster with their buddies all they want, but don’t BS yourself when it comes to what your goals and actual abilities are.

    **”Avoid the failure cycle”.

    True, but for guys I would emphasize avoiding a failure of life’s priorities rather than “cycle”. I think a lot of the guys who are
    labeled as AFC/betas by the Game community still cling to the idea that career/financial success is the ONLY thing that they need to accomplish and the 9s & 10s will follow. However, not everyone can become a Trump or Diddy, and with such a narrow vision there’s a real risk of winding up like a Willy Loman/Rabbit/Man in the Grey Flannel Suit instead. Not a pretty picture, and due largely to believing that career/provider status alone can overcome failing to develop other pursuits, hobbies or interests. So thinking ahead on what other non-career priorities you want to do with your life (besides “weekend warrior” sports at the country club, which is still about career-climbing anyways) can hopefully ensure against the dreaded male midlife crisis occurring later. So find out what else drives you besides your job/career and keep working on that (art, travel, volunteering, whatever). Your career may pay your bills, but it can’t be the only thing you care about and do. Women have their own careers, and talking about work in social environments gets boring fast. Having other passions outside of work makes for a more interesting and passionate man, not to mention much more unique and appealing.

    **”You need to develop long-term sustainable habits and regular routines”.
    **”You have limited time and energy. Prioritize. Understand what is it about you that needs the most attention and focus on that”.

    I agree, and while you specifically mention diet & health in these examples (which is important for guys too) for guys generally what needs the most attention is social skills: conversation, personal charisma & style that allow you to successfully approach women you find attractive—Game.

    **”Stay unique”.

    While reading and learning about Game has certainly helped me, I have been very particular and limited in what I take from it. I’m in my mid-30s, but when I was younger I was a very shy and nervous “wallflower” type who literally could not think of what to say to break the ice with strangers (both men and women), let alone flirt with women and get dates. So learning how to be at ease with striking up conversations with strangers and making new friends was the big takeaway that I got from Game: overcoming “approach anxiety” and learning how to “open sets”, as it were. Initially that meant working with canned material since I couldn’t think of anything else to say. However, after I got more comfortable and socially at ease I had less of a need for using the same routines and can use other things that I notice to start up a conversation (for instance, specifically compliment/question about a piece of clothing/accessory she’s wearing if I think it is intriguing….but NOT neg). I think my problems were similar to a lot of “AFCs/betas”, but while canned materials is great to start out with, it cannot be your “be all end all”. All of the various Game openers/cocky & funny routines are a good starting point and inspiration, but don’t simply memorize them and spit them out repeatedly. Lots of other guys are reading and using the same materials, so after you get the conversation started what else can you bring to the table (remember what I said about interests and passions outside of your work)?

    Don’t follow everything that Game offers to the letter (peacocking, etc.). Otherwise you’re setting yourself up to be one of many Mystery clones, at best. Not every guy can rock the oversize hat, feather boa, painted nails and eyeliner look (thankfully), and its already been done before so many times that there’s no value for you there. However, you can expand your wardrobe to include different colors and make sure you wear clothes in sizes that fit (avoiding the baggy look is a big universal plus regardless of what fashion style or image you prefer). So use general Game principles for inspiration to tweak and improve upon your own personality rather than trading yourself in wholesale for another predetermined look and personality. Instead of “just be yourself”, “be your best self”.

    **”Do aspire. However, remember: aspiring sincerely and strategically is much more important than the ambitious goals that you set yourself”.

    In other words, reinforcing what was said before: make sure that you get your life’s priorities in order and that you are honest & realistic with them. Do not rely on anyone else to lay out those terms (family, friends, school, work, church/synagogue, girlfriends) for you to blindly follow. Family, friends and girlfriends can shape your goals, but don’t ever let them take those reigns from you completely. Figure them out for yourself and then pursue them the best you can. You will not be perfect in your quest or accomplish all of your goals, but it will make you unique and that is what will matter in relationships and life. If a woman falls in love with a man she thinks is unique (in her eyes), she is less likely to leave because a better version of you came along in the form of another man. But if you are too generic you will always risk a better version of you coming along. There’s always somebody bigger and/or richer than you (“he’s a corporate banker just like my ex, only richer and taller”).

  13. December 7, 2009 6:23 pm

    Isn’t peacocking about standing out? ;)

    In terms of prioritising for Boy Game it does seem more complex. The main lessons I like from it is to have confidence and not project any neediness or control by a woman. You’re your own guy, no apologies, and you don’t care whether she takes it or leaves it; you only have time for a woman who will.

  14. December 7, 2009 8:53 pm

    Great post Bhetti. I think for me, perfection is being the best I can possibly be in all areas of life – how I look, social interactions, control my own wayward thoughts, etc. But staying unique, hm…

    SO true about the failure cycle, prioritization, and making things routine (changing things until that is simply how you are – not a conscious effort).

    It’s hard to tell why one feels the need to change. When it’s a natural desire, I wonder if it arises from within, without one being very conscious of it. But then there are the times when on realizes, “I really should start going to work on time,” etc.

    …the instinctive desire to conform is so powerful as to occur without being consciously notable. This is demonstrated every day in the way we change little affectations in our speech or manner.

    Haha… when speaking to people with an accent different from mine, I tend to mirror it. I become self-conscious wondering if the Brit/South African/Australian, etc. think I am mocking them. :-)

  15. Real Woman permalink
    December 7, 2009 10:17 pm

    “Real Woman: Burn. Hate the Fireplayer, not the Game.”…….

    Firepower is OK. I’m not aware of his/her game.

  16. December 11, 2009 12:02 pm

    I’ve had two experiences where a girl’s personality outweighed her looks. The first girl was a little overweight, with a face which, though pleasant, would never be called “hot” (or even cute), but was so balanced and down to earth that the vibe was astounding. You’d take one look at her and know you wouldn’t have to deal with any bullshit; she was someone who made the people around her feel incredibly comfortable. The proof was in the pudding – she’d been with guys whose past girlfriends had modeled.

    The second girl also wasn’t particularly attractive – nice skin, decent face, no tits, and ridiculous hair – all of which I immediately overlooked after she opened her mouth. She was funny – not “look at me” funny, but as in it was a lot of fun talking to her. You could shoot the shit with her until you couldn’t talk for laughing, on top of which she played guy videogames and was unabashedly geeky.

    The underlying trend is this – both girls immediately gave off the vibe that they weren’t your average girl, that even if they had their issues, it wouldn’t be the same shit you’re used to dealing with. To borrow from Real Woman, it was refreshing.

    I don’t intend this as advice – if you’re not “unique” in the sense that the two girls above were, it’s not something you can readily change. For the most part guys pay attention to looks, and personality isn’t something you can do a 180 on. However, if you *are* unique, it can be a very good thing. Play it up!

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