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Silence is Golden Game

January 11, 2010

freespiritteen @ http://bit.ly/7cCNXS

freespiritteen @ http://bit.ly/7cCNXS

This entry is in tribute to voices who everyday are silenced against their will as a product of women and men in power. If there is no avenue for me to exercise my freedom to choose when and if to speak honestly…

If this freedom has been surrendered to your tyranny then I can no longer express my inner self. Soon, I will forget who I am. Soon, who I am will cease to exist. Those who could discover new worlds would have been deprived.  All ideas are uniform and the oppressors are satisfied.

Let us honour the choice to both speak and hold one’s peace, remembering those who have little choices and the millions more who have benefited because of rebellion against silence regardless.

A good deal of Girl Game lies in generating attraction yet holding yourself selectively in reserve. As with many aspects, your conversational skills can prove to be very important. Initial impressions of conversation can easily set the permanent template by which your personality is judged. The more highly he thinks of his judgment skills, the more likely he is to extrapolate from limited information.

When in doubt, be silent.

Use the silence to:

  • take a moment to think carefully about what you’re saying. If you break it, let your words have form, impact and soul. Give them life.
  • take a moment to think carefully about what he’s saying. He’ll see you taking him seriously or giving him a body-language rich reaction to what he’s said.
  • reveal hints of genuine shyness, self-consciousness and vulnerability you’re feeling. Give him the opportunity to draw you out.
  • test him. See if he’s actually interested in you as a person or as a substitutable object of sex: is he talking at you or is he actually allowing involvement of you in the conversation? If you have to fight to be heard, simply be quiet and monitor carefully from then on if he’s interested in a response from you. It could be nervousness on his part where he feels the need to impress you with his spiels and has trouble registering your response or it could be that he’s genuinely not interested in what you have to say.

What pitfalls does silence help avoid?

  • Too Much Information
    You want to disclose little about sensitive issues related to your past or those around you, without some heavy prompting and definitely not on first meeting. This avoids the inevitable judgment incurred by these events (it could be  not so much the events as your attitude towards them: if you imply you view them as normal) and speculation that there’s more to it you’re not disclosing. Avoiding the trip of the TMI trap also makes you the soul of discretion.
  • Mis-communication
    In every successful interaction, the language you speak is tailored to the individual in front of you: their triggers, their whims and their tolerances. Listen carefully to him. Confirm your evaluation of the broad strokes of who he is before journeying into deep conversation.
  • Banality
    The art of speaking in great lengths but not saying anything especially substantial is a prevalent problem with society in general. Compounding this is that conversation may not be your strong point. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; you need to avoid the situation where you’re pulled into conversations and show yourself up. Sometimes you need to remember that the best way to express yourself is always show, not tell. Show him what it is you want to say, through your body language or other actions. Do something that says ‘I care about you’. Fulfil a promise or suggestion you made. Act.
  • Lack of Class
    Habits such as swearing could get you into hot water.
  • Oversaturation
    This probably applies particularly to long-term relationships. You don’t want to talk too much to him. Sometimes a man needs to retreat to his cave. It can be so tempting to reach out to your significant other and communicate, especially if they’re upset or distant. Sometimes he’s not in the mood to be able to deal with much of anything and you cannot reach him until he manages to reset himself. Sometimes you need to let him miss you and you need to miss him to aid in keeping the embers glowing. Sometimes it’s just good to be together and just enjoy being together, in silence.

Of course, I dislike silence. There’re other and better ways of achieving the same objectives.

I love conversation. My mind’s filled with noise I need to clear and ideas that I need to develop. I enjoy entertaining people and learning from them. I love expressing emotionality and playing at games of logic. I love complimenting effusively where its merited. My own experience suggests men probably have no idea how much women can avoid complimenting them because it’s so easily mistaken for interest.

I love a good conversation. This is why I can be considered a good conversationalist. I mildly mimic the masters. Reach for a description that captures me and may be unusual. Make an effort and put thought into what I’m saying. Think about what I want to convey and how best to convey it in the best way to the person in front of me; that’s why I work much better in a one-on-one basis.

When I’m not a good conversationalist is when I’m hampered by a lack of confidence. This is sometimes because of the intimidation I may get from the person in front of me or a lack of confidence in my conversational content. Arabic words do not trip off easily from my tongue, for example.

Sometimes I know what I’m saying is not strictly the truth. It’s most of the truth or most likely the truth. In that instance, I allow too much doubt to creep into the way I present the idea so as to remain strictly accurate. The unfortunate nature of human interaction is this hampers the view of you as a confident person.

I’m especially terrible when I don’t feel safe or connected to who I’m speaking to.

Back to you: In conversation, refine sensitive content but don’t change the basics. Play to your strengths, retain who you are and retain what sets you apart. However, be the best talker you can be. If all things go well, he’ll silence you by finding some other occupation for your luscious lips soon enough.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. January 11, 2010 5:49 am

    This is a good column. It is a very attractive trait when a woman (same goes for men) is a good listener. Conversely, there are few traits more unattractive to me than seeing a woman who has mastered the art of aimless conversation while saying absolutely nothing. Not even physical attractiveness can overcome that trait and such women quickly become repulsive, no matter how good they may look on the outside.

    Aimless conversation implies self-centeredness.

  2. January 11, 2010 12:55 pm

    Great post girlie.

    I never over share – I’m turned off by people who lack discretion. Very few times in my life have I met a person I’ve clicked with immediately and removed the barriers to my private life. The ones I have done that with have turned out to be life-long friends because there was a deep connection – rare.

    I love good conversation with a good conversationalist – otherwise not interested. Two way street. Throw me the ball back or I’m going to lose interest. Thank goodness interesting people abound.

    It’s important not to feel awkward in silence – filling in the gaps with talk for the sake of talking is bound to stop a good conversation from happening.

  3. January 11, 2010 10:17 pm

    Had to crash your party..

    http://dissention.wordpress.com/2010/01/09/the-sad-truth-about-relationships/

    Bhetti–
    Would it kill you to make some pretence at relevance with your linkspam?

  4. January 12, 2010 11:59 pm

    Great post Bhetti. I really need to read this again, and again, and again for like, the next month. And again when I slip.

    One of the downsides of being with someone who is great listener is that one tends to relax… and soon starts telling *every* little thing that comes to mind.

    He even told me once in exasperation, “I can’t even hear my own thoughts with how much you talk!” Oops :-p

    There is so much beauty in silence… stillness in quiet… one can become in tune with the other senses (sight, touch, taste, etc.) when aimless noise is gone.

    Whenever I think of the most feminine girls I know, I always think of them as more visually expressive rather than verbally. They’ll speak, but just a little. They’ll be engaged and sweetly smile, but they won’t explain and express a lot.

    I wonder sometimes if the mainstream dating advice to women to “be mysterious!” is really just to get girls to shut their mouths a bit more? And be less solipsistic, as many women just love to share their amazing thoughts about everything?

    Also, wasn’t there some book a while ago about how the best way to mend a relationship with a man is to *not* talk about it? Was it Dr. Laura Schlesinger or something? Mm…

  5. January 14, 2010 2:46 am

    Can anyone help me out with this? I’m perplexed.

    So I fucked one girl (last night) and got a BJ from another (two nights ago).

    BJ GIRL:
    25, schoolteacher, about a 6.5 – ok face, nice body, great tits. Date 1: I meet her for coffee halfway between us (met her on a dating site), then we walked around, grabbed dinner, walked her to her car, made out with her.
    She texted me thanking me for a great evening, I texted back saying was fun, lets do it again.
    Date 2: she drives over to me, brings a bottle of wine, I cook dinner, make my move, we end up in bed where I get the BJ and we do everything else but sex.
    Next day I txt her saying my schedule is busy but I’ll call her when I know my schedule. No response.
    Day after I call her, goes to voicemail, say hey figured out my schedule let’s get together saturday. I didn’t plan on contacting again without a response.
    Later that night, she responds, in text, with: “Hey, actually this weekend is not good for me…i have monday off so i am actually going out of town, sorry.”
    I respond with, “no prob, have a good time.” Not going to contact her again cause she didn’t counter with another time to meet up, and her lack of timely responses.
    WTF happened there?
    (for the record, i wasn’t that into her personality wise, but we had a good enough time to see each other again and screw around)

    SEX GIRL:
    Same kinda scenerio, 7-7.5ish, we met up for coffee, kiss close, date #2 she comes over brings a bottle of wine I cook, ends up in bed where we have sex, I even spank her some.
    I texted her today, “yesterday was fun, I gotta spank you again soon I know you’ve been bad ”
    No response, don’t plan on contacting her again. Again I wasn’t so into her personality wise, but wouldn’t mind at all getting together for a roll in the hay.

    I’m kinda weirded out. I got two girls in bed (and it went fine there, that’s not the problem at all) really quick, then this is happening.

    What’s the deal?

  6. January 14, 2010 8:48 pm

    JC: I honestly don’t know. Only thing that strikes me is you texting first and not leaving them to chase you. But I really don’t know.

  7. January 14, 2010 9:38 pm

    I was talking to my alpha friend, and we deconstructed it into the following 2 possibilities:

    1) I wasn’t that into them personality wise and, like a reflection, they wasn’t that into me personality wise which they realized as things escalated;

    2) I used a 100% sexual vibe with them 2nd date, moved things really fast, and a lot of girls afterwards will go crazy (ASD), and think that I only want them as a fuckbuddy

    It might be a combination of the two.

    This has also happened to my buddy. A 8.5 was extremely into him, he made her come over to his house, they went out drank and she ended up giving him a BJ. They didn’t get together for a week or two, then she very reluctantly came over and wanted to put things back to SQUARE ONE – maybe kissing, not much more than that. He said fuck it and shittalked her and it was over. But he blames that situation on escalating too fast which made her go crazy.

    If I want to see them (generalized females, not these two girls) again, I might have to tone down the 100% sexual vibe and give a bit more of a boyfriend vibe, and maybe not escalate QUITE so quickly on date 2.

  8. January 14, 2010 9:48 pm

    ASD:

    Anti-Slut Defense. The chick logic a woman (especially younger ones) will go through to relieve the guilt having sex too quickly with a man, assuming she has enough time to “think” about the consequences – a reaction which causes them to come up with objections or reasons that they shouldn’t fuck you in order to relieve their guilt of taking *responsibility* for doing something that society would often call “slutty”. Post-sex ASD is usually boiled down to comments from her to her friends like “it just happened”. It might be possible to consider waiting for a guy to make all the moves as an ASD. This forces HIM (in her mind) to take responsibility for the fact that she slept with you. “It just happened”, “he wouldn’t give up”, etc. In reality, both people are responsible for their own actions.

  9. January 14, 2010 10:42 pm

    JC – I think you were more asking Bhetti, but before I even got to your second comment I was thinking ASD too. Your initial frame or whatever you did up to the “big nights” weren’t strong enough to wipe out ASD tendencies?

    I don’t totally get Boy Game, but I would even imagine you may have come off inconsistent somewhat – which can trigger ASD.

    If you were putting on a lot of kino. escalation, heightening her emotions… and you COOKED… to me that sounds like very emotional and passionate… and after being all casual totally blows the frame you set up?

    If the girl notices, “Wow he’s being kind of casual,” or, “He’s acting so unnaturally cool after being in a heightened emotional state (he cooked for me OMG and he was so funny he kept on teasing me)… there goes the ASD hamster wheels.

    Just some ideas… would be interesting to hear what happens next, please keep us posted huh?

    P.S. You disgusting b*stard! How could you do that? Yuck! ;-)

  10. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 15, 2010 1:33 am

    ””””””’P.S. You disgusting b*stard! How could you do that? Yuck! ;-)””””””

    Exactly he cooked lol

    Once a guy cooks for a woman game over. Might as well just assume your gonna be raising some other guys baby he he he

  11. January 19, 2010 1:58 am

    Lovelysexy & Bhetti, your advice and input is always welcome. I started up a blog where I’m going to post about my dates:

    http://datingrecord.blogspot.com/

Trackbacks

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