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Lost in His Cave, or Lost Interest in You?

January 19, 2010

Guys going into their “caves” can be incredibly puzzling to girls.

Everything seems to be going fine,  and all of a sudden he will disappear or become aloof .

The Spearhead’s article on the cave described this phenomenon.  A mainstream author also has an interesting psychobabbly take:

The cave describes the time when a man pulls away to distract himself from a stress in his life. A woman may interpret cave behavior as her partner ignoring her on purpose; this is natural because, often, when in the cave, a man will occupy himself with activities that seem to have nothing to do with the issue at hand. The rubber band describes the natural intimacy cycle of a man and can slightly mimic cave behavior, though in this case he’s close and attentive then suddenly distant and uninterested. When in a loving relationship, a man needs to carve out time for himself so that he can regain his independence and self-worth.

[Note: isn't it interesting "rubberband" sounds like a popular PUA technique to keep her interested?  And the "wave" described in the link sounds like sh*ttesting? Both were described by this author in the 1990s-early 2000s.]

Is this what he's really thinking about in his "cave"? source: blogs.myspace.com/ johnstonecountry

Whether he needs some “me-time” to think, is running some PUA style hot-and-cold Game, or isn’t into her any more, a girl needs to figure out what’s going on.

We girls don’t have a lot of time to waste on dead-ends.  Find a guy who wants to commit to you who you love back. If he’s not serious about you, move on ASAP.

What should a girl do?

  • Should she demand an explanation why he seems to be ignoring her?
  • Should she call/text him so he doesn’t think she’s “playing games?”
  • Should she leave him alone and patiently wait for him to take the lead again? How long is reasonable if she feels abandoned?
  • If she waits for him, should she act like nothing happened or acknowledge it?

For brevity, I’ve discussed my “field-tested experiences” here. Almost always, if I reached out first and asked him why he disappeared, I’d eventually get an earful of his criticisms of me.  Sometimes for the first time ever, sometimes just in expanded form. *Without fail.*  Why he didn’t just tell me that stuff bothered him, who knows.  And he felt totally fine staying in the dark about my life.

Your turn:  what should girls do when he disappears? When should she stick it out, and when should she just cut and run?

_____________________________________________________

GirlGame Books Discussion

Some say GirlGame advice out there is awful and generally worthless.  Some say GirlGame advice doesn’t really exist, or isn’t nearly as thorough as BoyGame.

Let’s objectively review the GirlGame advice out there and how it is (or isn’t) being used.  We’ll start with books, since those still have the largest collective audience.

I’ll try to 1) summarize the major points, 2) point out the controversial stuff, 3) assess the book’s impact and pervasiveness.

First review will be in 1-2 weeks.  Please vote for your preference!

46 Comments leave one →
  1. Capo permalink
    January 19, 2010 10:16 am

    Guy: Ima go hang out with the guys tonight, ok? And tomorrow I have the weekly basketball game so I guess I’ll see you Thursday.
    LSB: *pouting*. If that’s what you want to do, I guess…
    Guy: Is anything wrong?
    LSB: No
    Guy: Ok, then, bye.
    LSB: *still more pouting*. I don’t care anyway I have girls nite out on Wednesday.
    Guy: What?
    LSB: if you are going to be mean and not care about MY FEELINGS then I won’t care about yours
    Guy: WTF?
    LSB: Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know really well what you are doing. Be a man about it and admit it.
    Guy: where did all this come from?
    LSB: *sobbing* I hate you! My friends told me I should dump you. And I trust my friends’ advice cause they have never been mean to me. Except for the time when Heather stole my BF. But then she apologized and we cried about it so she’s cool. And also Anne says mean stuff behind my back, but I love her taste in shoes. And Mandy is a slut, but at least she’s not mean to me.
    Guy: wait a minute. Let’s rewind. Explain to me what’s wrong?
    LSB: *turns on the waterworks* you are playing games with me all the time! you pretend like you don’t like me just to hurt me! Well, just so you know, you are not the only guy who’s interested in me!
    Guy: I have no idea what you are talking about. Are you seeing other guys now? That’s not cool. We agreed to be exclusive after YOU demanded it.
    LSB: That’s not the point! Stop changing the subject! The issue is how you are selfish and mean and don’t care about how I feel!
    Guy: ok, let me try to understand a bit even though this does not make any sense to me. You are upset because I’m going out with the guys? I could cancel if it means that much to you!
    LSB: NO! I don’t want you to cancel because of me! I want you to want to cancel because of you! Can’t you understand?
    Guy: But I don’t want to cancel. I can do it if it means so much to you.
    LSB: You’ll never get it. Why are guys always such assholes?
    Guy: All right, baby, Ima leave you alone cause I can’t understand what you are saying. Gimme a call when you feel like talking about it.

    *************
    Guy: I had a fight with LSB today.
    Friend: about what?
    Guy: basketball.
    Friend: what? how?
    Guy: I’m not sure I understood a thing of what went on, but I guess she doesn’t like basketball. And something about me wanting to want to not be there or something.
    Friend: Huh?!?!
    Guy: Exactly.

    *************
    (Wednesday night, LSB is at girls night out, slightly tipsy after 2 glasses of cheap wine marketed as “upscale” at a trendy lounge. She reaches for her cell phone and dials her Guy who doesn’t pick up. She starts typing SMSs)

    LSB: baby I don’t know why you keep doing this to me, but I still love you, you know that?
    (10 minutes later)
    LSB: baby did you get my message?
    (10 minutes later)
    LSB: OK, are you doing this on purpose now? It’s not funny!
    (10 minutes later)
    LSB: Fine, if this if how you wanna deal with this instead of growing up, I’ll show you.
    (10 minutes later)
    LSB: Ryan says hello. He says he can’t believe you let your lovely GF out alone. And he’s buying us all tequila shots.
    (fade to black)
    *****************

    (after basketball game)

    Guy: (checks cell phone) Wow I got like 10 messages from LSB.
    Friend 2: Is she drunk?
    Guy: I guess so. We had a fight yesterday. (scans a few messages) Hahahaha! I love this girl. She’s so sweet. (scans the rest) Wait what? (is now pissed) She better have a good explanation for this.
    Friend 2: oh, don’t worry, she will. Her excuse will be: it’s your fault.
    Guy: how do you know that?
    Friend 2: Trust me. I know women.

  2. January 19, 2010 10:34 am

    Capo – Too funny! :)

    LSB – I had an ltr once who retreated to his cave but I referred to is as the wind has changed direction. He would change that much. It was horrible truthfully. Maybe if I’d had a different understanding back then (20 years old) it might have been helpful – so good on ya.

    Also great idea on doing a book review. I voted Cosmo – maybe a sex quiz? ;)

  3. January 19, 2010 2:02 pm

    When men go to their cave they are subconsciously giving you a shit test. If you follow like the Capo dialogue, you reveal your Inner Crazy and you are now screened out for the moment a more stable girl becomes available.

    Girls drop beta bait. Men drop crazy bait.

    The absolute best way to handle this is:
    1. Ascertain he really is going to his cave. Something offhand like “I guess you need a bit of time with the boys” (basketball game) or “You haven’t had much chance to do XYZ lately” (hobby). The first couple of times you might not get a clear answer – don’t push it yet.
    2. Let him go without any histrionics or attempts to set a deadline on his re-emergence. Entering a cave absolutely must be open-ended from his point of view. He will leave when he’s ready. Attempts to extract him will cause him to retreat further.
    3. Periodically check in, without making any demands. If it’s a basketball game, just an easy single text halfway through (“You winning?”) and nothing more. If it’s a camping weekend, perhaps a couple of texts. But always framed so they don’t imply he needs to leave the cave. He just wants to know you care and you are still there when he gets back.

    Do this correctly and your man will adore you for it. After the first couple of times he will usually respond to (1) by reassuring you he’ll be back soon, to (2) by giving you a nice smile/goodbye kiss, to (3) by preemptively telling you what he’s doing and when he’ll be back.

    He will also very proudly tell his friends he has a girl who “gets it”.

  4. Bob permalink
    January 19, 2010 2:29 pm

    The cave is only relevant after you’ve been dating long enough to be exclusive.

    In a relationship back in college, I was stressed so often from classes (engineering) that I had to retreat on a regular basis. My girlfriend at the time took it as a lack of interest. She reacted to the lack of interest first by trying to spend every free moment with me, then initiating sex more often. Incidentally, this was when I first noticed the strong correlation between how little attention I paid and how much I received from women.

    She basically set herself up for heartbreak that way. If I slept with her, then went back to doing my own thing, she felt used; if I refused, and stayed in the cave, she felt neglected.

    Worse, her attempts to take every spare moment I had for herself and the relationship deprived me of the time I needed alone, so I never was able to emerge naturally.

    Eventually, she learned to leave well enough alone, and I was emotionally capable of spending quality time with her. This led to the happiest part of our relationship. I wish I could remember what she called the cave… Anyway, the lesson is that as long as she knew I still cared, wasn’t cheating, and would be there for here when I was ready (or when she really needed it), everyone was happy.

  5. January 19, 2010 10:44 pm

    @Capo LOL… I try not to be like that, really I don’t. I try to be more like what @krauserpua described (GREAT advice by the way).

    For me the alarm bells don’t ring if he wants to spend time with his friends. They ring more if he *complete disappears off the face of the earth* in stark contrast to how he was before.

    Like @bob says, it’s more about the exclusivity. If he’s going to spend this next ENTIRE week doing his own thing and not calling me, even though he calls every day, that’s fine. But not saying thing and poofing? Weird.

    Normally these things don’t bother me, because I tend to get lost in my own cave too… running around unaware of how fast time passes. But sometimes…

    @aoefe
    Yeah, too much changing can drive a woman crazy. Without that knowledge I don’t know what I’d do… with it I still go a little cokoo for coco puffs sometimes. Gotta work on being that cool, cool girl.

  6. January 19, 2010 10:47 pm

    By the way Capo, that was pretty impressive “typical girl response” in that script!

    It’s sad that to be more desirable, sometimes it seems like girls can’t be “typical girls.”

    Like when Roosh talks about the more traditional girls in Latin American being clingy, I just think… that’s natural. Yet, it’s a turn off to most guys.

    Why? Guys get annoyed if we’re too independent, and they also get annoyed if we’re too dependent. *sigh*

  7. January 19, 2010 11:23 pm

    One thing to keep in mind…different personality types handle stress differently. An extrovert is likely to want to talk to someone–probably to *multiple* someones—an introvert is likely to want go and process things in his/her head alone for a while.

    Not at all questioning the reality of gender differences, but there are also huge differences in the mental universe of individuals within the *same* gender.

  8. Capo permalink
    January 20, 2010 1:00 am

    that was pretty impressive “typical girl response” in that script!

    yeah, the one I can’t help but chuckle at after having heard it so many times is the:

    “I don’t want you to do it because I said so. I want you to WANT to do it!”

    I tried to reason that the effect was exactly the same the first few times and then I learned…

  9. January 20, 2010 1:24 pm

    David, I agree with you. It depends on the guy. Some guys are thinkers, philosophers, spiritual, etc. and they “go away” several times in the long relationship. Some go off and just want space in a more simple way. Some disappear because they are trying to leave the girl and are poor at communication. Some never “go away” for short stints and a girl may wish he would, and so on. Much of what is chatted about on all of our blogs is really not as much as male/female dynamics as it is assumed but about certain personality types and needs. I know it sounds crazy to some, but I run the birth chart on every person I meet and get to know– and that, combined with getting to know them and applying some psychology, one can get a real good idea on how much a person (male or female) needs space and independence.
    LSB,
    Good post, thank you. I would say that a girl learns a lot by living with a guy. It is an art to know when to be his friend, his lover, his mistress, his woman, his equal, his pupil, etc. One must match to any given circumstance and one must be flexible. The more a person is honest with themselves about what they need and give in a love relationship, the better they are at choosing mates that can enhance and appreciate their particular gifts. Roosh and I share the same birthday and Geminis are notorious for needing freedom to move and explore. I don’t like clingy either but I also don’t have his Leo rising sign so my ego doesn’t love to be stroked the way his does. So as much as he complains, he most likely truly loves it.

    Nothing, and I mean nothing, is a substitute for actual experience in life and seeing how you react to life over time.

  10. January 20, 2010 2:35 pm

    luvlysexybooty

    Lost in His Cave, or Lost Interest in You?

    meh. what guy can keep his interest in a teaser.

    like, if you dont know what she looks like, who cares if you miss out. i don’t care if 16-year old Sanjaya Jr. wants to drive mens wild. Who cares if Rosie O’Donnell shaves it bald.

  11. January 20, 2010 3:36 pm

    Typical example of wanting the cake and eating it, too.

    A guy “in the cave” is nerve racking for the woman in the relationship. And your conscious, cognitive side wants it to end. After all, your task as a woman is to “tame the alpha male” now that you are headed into common future.

    Yet, if you succeed, you won’t be happy either. If the mystery of his mental or physical absence gets replaced by transparency and undivided affection&attention, his sexiness drops.

    It’s tedious. Men who know game and are in committed relationships need to be strong enough to read between the lines in posts and female complaints like that. A man who enables you to break through his cave will gain your affection and rids himself of your nag, but he pays the prize of lowered social status (and the inevitable decline in sexual attraction that comes with it).

    That price might not seem that high to you as a girl – what you crave in the current situation is his Provider side after all. But for a man it is devastating. While woman can be happy in a “more cuddling, less sex”-kind of relationship, it is tortuous to a guy – especially if he was used to having had freedom, choice and variety.

    My advice: deal with the hamster in your head and let the guy be. Let go of that silly “my time is running out idea” that might rid you of fantastic experiences with attractive men who love you back. There are better ways to find out if he is “into you”.

  12. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    January 21, 2010 7:12 am

    It’s not a terrible thing for both parties to have “alone” time, though some like it more than others and examples of both are found in either gender.

    The clock is only ticking when you set it in the first place.

  13. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 21, 2010 4:16 pm

    Cave good just bring drinks/smokes/food

  14. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    January 22, 2010 4:30 am

    Check, check, & check. Now what? ;)

  15. January 22, 2010 9:14 am

    After I read Capo’s dialog…. I see how raw and direct I am. My dialog would be consisted mostly of silence, refusal of communication and one strong advice for the girl to leave me alone with my worries.

    But I am like this when I have really big concern about difficult issues currently at hand. Those that demand my full focus and energy. It has nothing to do about some cave, gathering my self-worth or me-time. Pouting or other obstacles while I’m resolving something important is childish crave for attention I dont reward well. Then *Pouting time* is *F-ck of time*.

    I think personal out-of-relationship time should happen often and in small dosage so no one sees it as a big deal. Everyone needs it, boy or a girl.

    I would like to flip your theory. In my cave i keep my lover, its a place for us. Everything we do outside of the cave is not unconditionaly shared. After a relationship grows and matures, lovers develop a life-long friendship (hopefully) and everything becomes about us.

    I’ve seen this *me-time at older couples sometimes or very looong relationships among young lovers. My record is 2 years of commitment, so… i might not qualify for a cave realestate yet.

  16. January 22, 2010 10:24 am

    Definitely agree with David Foster.
    There are as many versions and looks to the “cave” as there are men.
    Also, a cave is not always necessarily a physical or tangible location.

    Extending David’s thought further, the more introverted amongst us can even develop a “mental cave” where we retreat from all the bothersome details of daily social life and the intricacies of the current relationship. That can involve reading a book, being alone, sometimes even lifting weights turns into cavetime.

    When the subject of “us” comes up and she wants to spend hours dissecting our relationship, I flee to my cave. There is nothing a man hates more than talking about the dynamics of his current relationship. Let it breathe! :)

  17. January 22, 2010 11:00 am

    Article that may be of interest in today’s WSJ:

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB20001424052748704869304574596193584067688.html

  18. January 22, 2010 3:47 pm

    Haha, Phoenixism.

    Also, a cave is not always necessarily a physical or tangible location.

    I believe the general consensus on this thread (and in this article) is that it’s not a physical location…

  19. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 22, 2010 10:00 pm

    ”””msexceptiontotherule permalink
    Check, check, & check. Now what? ;)
    ””””’

    I meant literally bring them next time he he he

  20. January 23, 2010 12:30 pm

    “The clock is only ticking when you set it in the first place.”

    -so very true

    “There is nothing a man hates more than talking about the dynamics of his current relationship. Let it breathe! :)”

    -EXACTLY! That’s why I dislike “game” being used on me…it feels very natural, over-thought and robotic…it kills the ebb and flow of nature. I can sniff out that the guy is full of shit, I just can’t always tell in what ways.

  21. Capo permalink
    January 23, 2010 12:36 pm

    -EXACTLY! That’s why I dislike “game” being used on me…it feels very natural, over-thought and robotic…it kills the ebb and flow of nature. I can sniff out that the guy is full of shit, I just can’t always tell in what ways.

    There’s a major selection bias there. See, it only feels over-thought and robotic (and I take it you meant to write unnatural?) if done wrong. If done well, you won’t be able to “sniff” anything at all. You will continue thinking that game does not work on you, because, well, when you figured out it was being used it didn’t work.

  22. January 23, 2010 12:56 pm

    yep, I did mean unnatural..thanks. I had an experience with a major “gamer” and he was horrible at getting it right. The saddest part of it all is that he lives in such a world of delusion that he never got that I was rolling my eyes in my head over and over. I was too polite to tell him otherwise. It is a dead give-a-way that whenever he refers to a girl as a “stalker” in his musings it means that he blew it big time and he twists it into anything but the truth of what really happened. And he was so bad in bed that I actually got up in the middle of it and told him I wanted to leave.–FACT. He got very angry and spit hate, of course.

    I mean, if you’re gonna game…did it right and with style. eh?

  23. January 23, 2010 1:18 pm

    Very true about individual personality differences determining how often and when someone needs “away” time.

    So true that as you gets to know someone, you get a sense for what their actions mean and how they react to situations. The problem comes up when you cloud your thinking with that “hamster”, and start to project.

    And also when you think there’s some sort of “artificial” time limit. Whether it’s to decide which caterer to go with at the wedding before he gets booked up, or whether you need to lock things down with a man before you’re “too old”… things need to happen at the right time. A lot of times it’s OK to miss the deadline, and just figure out plan B if you have to.

    EDIT: In this sense too much time reading Roissy, Roosh, Obsidian, Spearhead, In Mala Fide, etc. can warp a girl’s brain if she doesn’t get counter-perspectives. I think a lot of those sites are doing a little “tit for tat” where they can say, well we were losers with girls but at least you women will be losers when you get old!

    Thanks for the input everyone, really enjoyed reading everyone’s commentary! A post could be written just to summarize the great insight provided by you guys. :-)

  24. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 23, 2010 1:27 pm

    ””””’And he was so bad in bed that I actually got up in the middle of it and told him I wanted to leave.–FACT. ””””

    Do you hate men or did you want to prove to him that he couldn’t get you?

    I mean even on the woman where my dick didn’t get hard to fuck em I never had a chick get up and leave.

    Sometimes my dick will not fuck woman my brain says it is ok to fuck he he he

    Course I haven’t had any diseases either so maybe it is some kind of 7th sense.

  25. January 23, 2010 1:49 pm

    I adore men and have known great ones…he was just that bad.

  26. January 23, 2010 1:52 pm

    LSB:
    Hang in there…and know that the “pick up” scene is small in comparison to the larger world. Try to stay grounded in reality if you can. Most of the them are funny writers but you must take it with a grain of salt, which I’m sure you’re already aware. ;)

  27. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 23, 2010 2:44 pm

    Well if you get old and have one kid it will probably have more potential to be boring than if you have 9. Instead of being like and this happened on tv you can be like and my kid did this great shot at the game or when old can travel around and have places to stay and family to stay with. Kids also are probably a good way to be able to share what you have learned in life with a captive audience. I think the real thing people are talking about. If your 50 with no kids wtf are ya gonna do.

  28. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 23, 2010 3:09 pm

    grandfather lived to 85 traveling around visiting his kids and on permenant vacation. What would it have been like if he would have had no kids.

  29. January 24, 2010 3:39 pm

    Thanks anoukange… it’s funny how I sometimes forget things like taking others’ advice, especially when it comes to love&relationships, with *several grains* of salt. :-)

    @Gunny Being able to have as many kids as you want is a big part of the “deadline” for women… I would definitely love to have lots if I am blessed. If not though, it’s fine… there are other ways to make an impact on a child’s life too. :-)

  30. gunslingergregi permalink
    January 24, 2010 4:16 pm

    The thing with woman though is that descision will be taken away for guys it will not as long as they have loot. So yea roissy has said before why he pushes the old woman thing and it is because they do not have the luxary of putting it off. Roissy can fuck around till he is 60 and still start a family no problem.

  31. January 26, 2010 12:07 am

    Ha, my dad calls his office the “man cave.”

    So awesome.

  32. alexamenos permalink
    February 9, 2010 2:12 pm

    Just saw this and I can think of 3 or 4 ex gf’s that I wish new how to handle the man in his cave. No kidding….I’ve had to run a couple of women off that I really liked for this one reason.

    Look — if a guy is a) extremely manish; and b) highly introverted and introspective, then the way he deals with his shit is by going into the cave.

    If I’m stressed from work, I withdraw….and then I become unstressed. If, while attempting to withdraw, some wench keeps nagging and/or trying to fix me then I have two problems–stress at work and nagging intrusive wench.

    My suggestion on handling cave withdrawals (at least if your bf happens to be a midly sociopathic and introverted male): 1) Go shopping or knit a sweater or whatever it is you do; b) try very hard to understand that even though a man may love you very much, you are not the absolute center of his thoughts in his every waking moment; and c) curl up next to him in bed like you don’t have a problem in the world and let him make the next move.

  33. June 2, 2010 4:02 pm

    If the man in the cave is petulant, manipulative and immature, of course it’s time to run. If the man is stable and rational, he’ll let you know he needs space. It’s not that hard. But what if you don’t know what you’re dealing with?

    A few months ago, I was in a situation where I honestly didn’t know what was happening. Now, I see clearly that waiting outside the cave is no place to be, mentally or physically. But back then, I was just stunned.

    I ended up moving on and it was the absolute right thing to do. But what do you do when you don’t know? I wrote a song and a handbook which I’ve posted online.

  34. Rose permalink
    July 11, 2010 9:19 pm

    I recently had a very dear male friend of mine explicitly telling me that he was going into ‘ the cave ” due to many issues with overthinking and uncertainty with money, emotions, etc. At first I though he was making excuses to break up like”it’s not you, it’s me” : stuff I’m not appreciative of at all. I like the truth. But, after calling him and listening carefully to his motive for dissapearing, and planning to dissapear even more; I was feeling his sincerity. We are dear friends in a long distance ‘friendship’ and are planning to meet up soon. He has told me how he feels anxious and then falls into a depression. I really like him and decided to be patient. Since his withdrawal only I’ve initiated contact by phone twice and today a text. It’s been almost three weeks and I miss him, but it really made me feel good to read the insiders in this thread. Thank you, guys!

  35. She Caved In permalink
    July 11, 2010 11:36 pm

    I’ve had the hardest time getting my boyfriend to understand my introversion and need to retreat. We plan on getting married someday but this leaves me with serious doubts. I need a “cave day” at least once a week. And a “cave weekend” at least once a month.

    Guys are quite needy and expect a lot of attention. Too much in fact.

  36. Rose permalink
    July 13, 2010 8:58 pm

    He just came out. He’s apologize for the effects that his behavior may have on me, and explained how he feels emotionally and how he wants to call me to talk to me. Love it!

  37. JRG permalink
    March 14, 2012 5:21 am

    Fascinating to read these comments by obviously young ( twentyish) people who are going thro’ exactly the same experiences as we oldies. Won’t say my age but suffice it to say I have been in a relationship for over 35 years and have had 4 children with this same guy. … And he has just last week gone back into his cave again. You would think after all this time together I would shrug it off and ignore it. But no, it still hurts, always feels like downright personal rejection! However the best advice I have gleaned from this blog is the following:

    “My suggestion on handling cave withdrawals (at least if your bf happens to be a midly sociopathic and introverted male): 1) Go shopping or knit a sweater or whatever it is you do; b) try very hard to understand that even though a man may love you very much, you are not the absolute center of his thoughts in his every waking moment; and c) curl up next to him in bed like you don’t have a problem in the world and let him make the next move.”

    Thank you for reminding me of what to do….I am off to buy some wool, knit that sweater and paint a picture!

    Cheers.

  38. July 2, 2012 5:26 pm

    I totally understand and accept ‘cave’ time; however, it is difficult to not think it is something I’ve done, when the request for ‘cave’ time has come right at the tail-end of some little tiff or nose-out-of-joint mishap. I am OK with ‘cave’ time, in fact I’ve found that time apart allows me to spend a little me time too. Within 24 hours I received a text from him and it was great to know that he was thinking of me…. All too often I’ve been the one to speak first, text first – whatever, the case may be and this time, with this particular special man… I decided that if this was something real, as I felt it has been, then if I am going to give him space, I am truly going to give it. I received a call Tuesday asking me what my weekend plans were and he said that he would love to see me. I believe in ‘cave’ time as I enjoyed a little of my own. As women we want to be the 24/7 caregivers; however, let us remember that men are not interested in dating their mother… and most men are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves… If he needs space, give it; however, if it appears that his request for space is a cowardly way of dipping out.. let him go.
    Country Claire

  39. Anonymous permalink
    August 8, 2012 12:30 am

    what should i do if a man is in his cave??

  40. Sandra Cove permalink
    October 17, 2012 9:02 am

    Im new to this cave thing. I find it frustrating, and do not understand why a guy cant just talk out what is bothering him. We, as women are left in the complete dark wondering if it is something we have done. It is selfish and stressful. It makes me want to move on and find someone that doesn’t disappear four days a month!! I find it demeaning left wondering what is happening. I think men should at least give a women the respect of saying thing a fine with us I just need to figure stuff out. Its perplexing and draining of energy for a women. The “lost interest in you” is always in the back of your mind and I find it selfish to leave us hanging in such a manner.

  41. Nicola permalink
    December 12, 2012 2:42 pm

    I partly agree with Sandra.
    First of all Capo’s comment made me laugh but that woman is an exaggeration surely and a disgrace to the female race. Also manipulative. If I was a man I’d dump her anyway.
    What strikes me is that this is all about the man! Whilst it hurts me and always will when he disappears off in his cave especially when it’s without explanation,I do understand that a guy needs space and each person in a relationship should have some of their own interests and hobbies.
    What frustrates me is that when a man comes back he just wants to get on with the relationship as if nothing has happened and doesn’t want to talk about it. That’s fine some of the time but if it’s a relationship issue that sent him in the cave, then as I woman I have needs and my need is to then talk about it and be really heard.
    So what is selfish is that men expect us not to be drama queens and to respect their cave time and yet even for those that do most men won’t respect our need to talk through problems. It works both ways guys and men are women are wired differently.

  42. Geminie permalink
    April 21, 2013 11:05 am

    I have that ‘cave’ complex too. When things are too stressful and I’ve got too many things to do – I want to be left alone, indulge myself, etc. Besides, I get totally snappy when I’m stressed. So I totally understand where guys are coming from – cos I am like that too.

    Only thing is that Asian guys freak out when that happens too much (I’m an Asian girl btw), despite me explaining that I just need my space. Caucasian guys, on the other hand, just disappear for a weekend every now and then without prior warning (It doesn’t help that we are ldr – it makes me think I’m his fling on the side, despite me having met his friends, and mutual meetup of family).

    I think the best way is for ‘caver’ to just inform and the other person to just chill out. I only get mad when he doesn’t inform because then I’m unnecessarily stressed out. To me, it’s just basic good manners but to him, he just retreats without thinking and comes back out wondering why I’m livid. T.T

    PS I get stressed out when talking about my emotions in the relationship – where things are ‘going’ etc too and I retreat to my cave, so honestly, I don’t think the best way to deal with a man in the ‘cave’ is to try talk to him since that would make him retreat.

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