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Help A Guy Out: the 30 Year Old Virgin

April 21, 2011

Here he is and he’s probably turned to the wrong place for help.

I think it’s best if a guy talked to him and got his email. Maybe actually try and meet him in person too.

This seems so common these days. Modern society has bred so many disaffected males and left them no masculine role models. I don’t have any data to back this up, but I suspect a good portion of these men will be kids of single mothers and Christians from a distinctly diluted school of Christianity.

That’s besides the point. Men aren’t taught what sexually appealing behaviour is, or encouraged to exhibit it.

The issue becomes more delicate with time. If you don’t start young, there’re so many psychological blocks that you must get over. These guys need to go through going back into the dating scene gently. At 30, there isn’t the hormonally-driven desperation of the younger years and confidence will need to be built up slowly.

Yes, there’s a component of these men that’re socially retreating. I don’t believe they’re the actual majority, having interacted with quite a few of their number. However, I don’t accept the premise they can’t learn social skills that women would find sexually appealing and demonstrate loving behaviour, if they find social life difficult. I know personally two cases of men with Asperger’s syndrome who built romantic relationships successfully.

22 Comments leave one →
  1. April 21, 2011 7:04 am

    Done… I feel sorry for this guy.

  2. April 21, 2011 7:19 pm

    Send him to me :-)

  3. April 21, 2011 8:32 pm

    He’s gone AWOL but hopefully you guys can help if he reappears!

  4. April 21, 2011 11:00 pm

    As a 33 year old virgin I am qualified to discuss this. He went to the wrong place for help but every place is the wrong place for help.

    This seems so common these days. Modern society has bred so many disaffected males and left them no masculine role models. I don’t have any data to back this up, but I suspect a good portion of these men will be kids of single mothers and Christians from a distinctly diluted school of Christianity.

    I know quite a few guys who are over 30 and virgins and this describes a good portion but not all. Christianity now just reflects the feminized/feminist culture so that doesn’t make a difference. Coming from an intact household doesn’t make a difference as many of our fathers are no matter than these conscious men manginas.

    And “masculine role models” have nothing to do with how most women enjoy engaging in sadistic cruelty towards non-alpha men.

    Yes, there’s a component of these men that’re socially retreating. I don’t believe they’re the actual majority, having interacted with quite a few of their number.

    We’re not a majority by a long shot. There are quite a few of us. I have no trouble finding men who are in a similar situation to myself.

    These guys need to go through going back into the dating scene gently.

    There’s no way to do this. I have tried everything. All I got for my efforts was more sadistic cruelty.

  5. April 22, 2011 5:04 pm

    white and nerdy—
    I hear you. I remember a former commenter mentioning things like shyness forums; I know some of the demographic is guys one might not even suspect. But I’d love you to expand on what you’ve been through and who you guys are; the allusion to your dads being alike to the ‘conscious men’ for example. Do you reckon alpha dads give alpha sons?

    I’ve checked out your blog and you seem anti-Game. So you must’ve tried it… what else? Looked like you were exposed to false sexual harassment claims too?

    Can you expand on your thoughts in terms of this: What needs to change to help you guys?

  6. April 22, 2011 5:29 pm

    RM: Saw your post over at alpha game. Congrats!

  7. Doug1 permalink
    April 23, 2011 12:35 am

    Attack the feminist cultural Marxist frame that goes after white guys almost only on this Bhetti.

    Will you?

  8. April 23, 2011 8:43 pm

    Doug, love, you’re welcome to do it.

  9. April 23, 2011 11:07 pm

    Can you expand on your thoughts in terms of this: What needs to change to help you guys?

    I suppose the short answer is some combination of women, laws, and/or culture. There’s two separate but overlapping problems for guys like me. The first is getting laid/finding a girlfriend/finding a relationship. The second is living our lives free from interference by women who are trying to destroy our jobs, have us thrown in prison, etc. Right at this point in my life the second is a bigger deal to me. I have live without ever having had sex or a girlfriend. I need to work if I expect to eat and I don’t want to end up in prison just because women think I should be there.

    Plenty of women have no moral problem with using the law to attempt to “punish” men like myself for being unattractive to them, i.e. for being unsuccessful with women. Even more women won’t do that themselves but will support those who do. I have had women that I have never heard of come on to my blog and say that I should be put in prison because I’m going to be “the next Sodini”.

    It would be one thing if my problem with women was just not getting laid that would be one thing. But I have real threats to my livelihood, freedom, and life here. If I was to make any attempt to get laid/get a girlfriend (beyond going to a hooker) this is a real problem. It’s a real problem just from being in the same building as a woman. My sexual harassment complaints came from women I had little to no interaction with.

    It’s also important to point out that none of my experiences are unique to me. Plenty of other guys similar to me have experienced the same thing. Lots of people try and claim that I must have “done something” to cause this but that’s just because they can’t handle the truth about women.

    Putting the legal morass aside there are plenty of problems. When it comes to guys like me parents are of no help. Too many of our dads are like the “conscious men”. It has nothing to do with “alpha dads having alpha sons” or any such nonsense. (I don’t believe in the alpha/beta/omega tricotomy. I only use the term omega to describe myself in the same way a black person uses the term nigger on themselves.) Some of this is age dependent obviously, but, for example, my parents went through the 60’s sexual revolution. My parents weren’t hippies technically but it would be hard to tell the difference between them and actual hippies. What this means is that many of our dads assimilated a lot of female pedestalization ideology but never actually experienced anything negative from it due to the unique situation of the 60s (and early 70s). Our dads don’t understand what the problem is. Our dads sold us out just as much as our moms but it had nothing to do with failing to model masculine behavior. I can’t think of any masculine behavior that our dads or we lack.

    At a personal level I rejected the female pedestalization ideology that was pushed on me by my parents, my school, and everyplace else since about age 7 or 8. I knew it was BS that early but it hasn’t helped with women at all. If anything I think my refusal to pedestalize women is part of the reason why I’m a 33 year old virgin. It seems like I’m a virgin because I exhibit plenty of masculine behavior.

    I have tried everything. I have tried game of course. It was a waste of time. I discovered quickly that game doesn’t exist when it would say things like, “if you do X you will get result Y.” I was doing X but not getting result Y in many cases of X. In fact I should have been getting result Y long before I had even discovered game because I was doing X long before I had ever heard of game. Clearly game was a scam because gamers were spending too much time on the internet to actually successfully get any women. I have provided gamers with a test to prove objectively beyond a shadow of a doubt that game exists and is real but no gamer has the courage of his convictions to attempt the test. Some gamers have gotten so absurd that I have been accused of being an act, accused of being the guy who writes a different blog, or working for the elite as part of conspiracy to depopulate the world. That by itself shows that game doesn’t exist.

    I have tried other things like I got no responses but given that the actual male to female ratio on those sites is probably 20:1 I don’t know if I had any other problem than being lost in a sea of other desperate men. I have tried psychologists but they are all feminized/feminist so they are of no help. In the end they either accused of me either lying (because “women don’t act like that”) or having aspergers (despite not meeting the criteria for any autistic spectrum disorder). I’m not the only one who has gotten that kind of feminist/feminized weirdness from psychologists. One guy I know who is in a similar situation as me went to a psychologist who tried to convince him that he had multiple personalities (despite no evidence of that) and that he had dated but it was the other personalities that dated so he doesn’t remember it.

    As for “shyness” forums, there is the love shy forum which is fine as far as it goes but every man there is in the same boat so it’s the blind leading the blind. It’s also formed around the concept of “love shyness” which is highly questionable because it came from a Dr. Gilmartin who studied this sort of thing in the late 1980s. He wrote a book but abandoned his research. His book is filled with highly questionable and problematic research. It even claims astrology is somehow relevant. Beyond that there is the incel forum (which I will not be linking to) which is run by a bunch of feminists and leftists. There is no help for men there. That forum is run like Stalinist Russia. If you piss off a woman there you get banned regardless of what you actually said. If you deviate even a micron off their leftist feminist party line you get banned. There’s a long and sorted history with the incel forum which could be the subject of a full post.

    Meeting women socially is not an option either. My friends are all men who are in the same boat as I am in so none of know any women. I have had a few friends who over time found girlfriends. When they did they stopped being friends with me and all of the guys like me under orders from their girlfriends.

    Another suggestion that pops up a lot is a hooker. I haven’t done that yet but I probably will soon. It’s not a real solution. I have known guys who have gone this route. Half had various problems that prevented them from actually banging the hooker. The other half did but it didn’t change anything. That half are not virgins anymore but they might as well be. They’re still in the same boat as me.

    One possibility that might work is a sex surrogate. I looked into this but it’s problematic. There are very few sex surrogates because its a legal grey area that no one wants to touch. There’s the problem of anti-prostitution laws, but even in places where prostitution is legal because this is “medical” it could run afoul of laws related to that even without anti-prostitution laws. That’s why almost all of the sex surrogates are in Northern California. The few sex surrogates that do exist are also very old and I think on the verge of retirement. Because of the legal situation there are little to no new surrogates being trained. We’re soon going to be at the point where there are no surrogates available. Beyond that when I looked into this no surrogate would take me on directly. They required a referral from a psychologist. No psychologist would give me that referral all saying the same thing, “I’m not a pimp!” That’s another example of how psychology is feminist/feminized.

    After writing all this I don’t have a good answer as to what can actually help. Every possible answer has 10 roadblocks that loop back on themselves making any solution effectively impossible. It’s not like I can catch a break either. Instead I have to be careful about revealing my status. I do so online because it’s anonymous. In real life I couldn’t do that because it just leads to accusations of being a pedophile or “the next Sodini”. There’s only two possible answers I can come up with. The first involves a time machine (and I don’t know what I would do even if I could go back in time). The second is completely dependent on the good graces of women giving guys like me a chance but that’s not going to happen. Most women would rather see guys like me in prison.

  10. Extinguish permalink
    April 29, 2011 10:27 pm

    Step 1: find a chick that he friend-zoned but who is still pining for him

    step 2: invite self over to her place, state you are drinking, and tell her to get a movie

    step 3: drink enough for a plausible excuse, grab boobs, tell her you are going to play with the nipples, if she doesn’t mind

    step 4: if you can’t figure that out than you need the help I can only provide with a Beretta XM500 and Burris XTR 12X tactical scope.

  11. Dale permalink
    May 6, 2011 8:45 pm

    Actually, even if women are attracted to you, you can lose out by doing what you are told women like. (No kissing on first date, take it slow, wait for sex until marriage, etc.) I lost lots of interested women that way. [I think women aren’t as easy as during the ’70s, half of the Christian women I dated broke up because no sex on first date.)

  12. SomeOtherWay permalink
    May 15, 2011 6:12 pm

    I’ve only ever been in long-term, long-distance relationships. I’ll be 27 this summer. Though I’ve never had sex, there have been opportunities where I could have. However, I intentionally haven’t followed those opportunities. I don’t think my case is normal, so I’m putting it up here for thoughts.

    There have been three themes related to who has been interested in me:
    A) They’re insecure – to a great extent. I feel like I’m not so much there to be engaged with as a partner, so much as there to be a sort of emotional-sexual object and confidence booster for them.
    B) They’re not intellectually stimulating or knowledgeable. I feel that if I ever settled down with one of them, it would be like supplying mental life support to someone who not only wouldn’t appreciate it, but would be unjustly angry with me due to their feelings of inferiority.
    C) They’re isolated. Because they have few friends, they seek a lot from a potential partner and want to find someone who can make connections for them. Because I have been highly involved in the community, people assume that I have a lot of cool, close friends, and that I can go out with a crowd whenever I want to. Again, it seems like the people who are interested aren’t so much interested in /me/ as they are in things they think they can obtain from me.

    As a result of these trends, I’ve become very skeptical about relationship potential. I do remind myself that things will be different when I move to another area (the population of the sourthern Midwest is surely one issue involved). However, I still worry that women will lack the communication skills and maturity that a good relationship requires – even if they’re secure with themselves. I can’t say that I’ve ever even heard of anyone around here who is truly mature. Moreover, I did grow up in a confusing and repressive Christian home. Though I’m now an atheist, a lot of that generalized insecurity is built into me. I think that’s a large part of the reason why I allow myself to maintain contact with insecure women – I feel like they should be more accepting of my own issues, or at least be less likely to complain.

    That’s a bad spiral. I think that part of my experience may be common for relationship-less guys. (Having sex doesn’t really get anyone anywhere. It’s just a male metaphor for a sense of security with oneself – one that many guys forget is a metaphor.)

  13. Bhetti permalink*
    May 20, 2011 12:50 pm

    Just to say I’ve been reading what you guys have been saying, but mulling it over.

  14. Cool permalink
    May 28, 2011 10:59 am

    The problem is in a “Free for all” culture there will be people left out, prostitution exists in part to supply those left out with sex and intimacy but also variety for those who are more then capable of having relationships with women.

    There is a reason that prostitution is the oldest profession. Men have never had the sexual power in relationships, men had to create religion to keep older societies stable due to more baser instincts and passions of human beings.

    Let us be frank, people assume the feelings their bodies and minds generate for others are true descriptions of reality rather then something that may or may not be correct. The real reason that older virgins exist is because they have low self-esteem and don’t see women as just another human being, they put them on pedestels and think their is some hard magic equation to socializing with girls. The fact is human relationships take practice and when you have low self-esteem and anxiety due to your lack of experience you just keep beating yourself up about it unless you can see you are the problem.

    The benefit of having friends and talking about stuff is friends can leep you from “living in headspace” many of these older virgins are trapped in their own false model of the world and of themselves and they basically self-selected against having relationships.

    They put in the least amount of effort, lets be frank. If you’re 50 and you’re a virgin you’ haven’t really tried, or if you have you have been looking in all the wrong places for help.

    This is why the pickup community and books like “The game” by neil strauss are so important, so that guys can talk to teach other about relationships. I think the real issue is that in modern society people have so much distraction/entertainment people are no longer socializing the same as they used to in ages past because there is just too much people want to experience, so things like videogames and entertainment act as susbtitutes for people getting off their butts and interacting with others. It’s just too easy to fall into patterns by simple inertia.

  15. May 29, 2011 12:05 pm

    I haven’t met the guy in question, but if I had to hazard a guess I’d say that he’s giving off emotions that basically rule him out of the running on both a sexual and romantic level.

    His mother’s death has dealt him a cruel blow but instead of dealing with his loss, he’s looking for someone else to fill the emotional hole.

    That is just horrible on so many levels. He’s not a bad guy for wanting to be loved but his needy attitude insures that he will strongly repell every woman he approaches.

    As Yohami noted: “You can’t fill a hole with another hole.”

    His indebtedness is the first thing he needs to fix and I’m guessing that getting an advanced education played a big role in that.

    On the positive side it sounds as if he has a kick ass job and strong outside interests. He needs to be happy alone before he can approach women in the right frame of mind.

  16. May 31, 2011 5:52 pm

    Lol I had to laugh at how brilliantly this aricle was written.Good post bro.

  17. Lee Ket Yee permalink
    August 5, 2011 5:14 am

    :) wah This want so many wraok.

  18. Lee Ket Yee permalink
    August 5, 2011 5:15 am


  19. October 16, 2012 11:40 pm

    I don’t believe this. As a semi-pro skater, this guy should be flood with hot willing and able girls. My advice for him is to join the military/reserve. That will make a man out of him real fast. Trust me, I’m talking from personal experiences. However, if he is unable to go that route, then take up martial arts, such as MMA training. Again, it will make a man out of him in no time. Again, personal experience.

  20. March 29, 2013 10:38 am

    I’m not sure what this guy has been doing wrong, put it seems like he needs to man up somehow and stp being a wussy. Whatever the case was, he needs to find a way to get some women in his life.

  21. December 28, 2013 7:16 am

    As a married man , let me say , you’re not missing much…stay single & do your own thing !

  22. June 23, 2014 7:45 am

    Oh my GOD…30 Y eras Old Still Virgin how she is now and try it to help it…salute you guys and very bad commenting are…here always give respect to others..

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