Following on from LILGRL’s post:
A good question when choosing a man is this:
Will he hold your purse in the cancer clinic? I cannot emphasise to you how important this is.
Just today, there was a wife who said her husband kept a diary of all her important medical dates — a record so good that the consultant said he needed to find four like him for his daughters. A husband said he always stayed home — even away from family functions, such as weddings and christenings — due to his wife being agoraphobic for forty years, and her not liking him leaving her. Another man sat with his wife and reminded her of anything she’d forgotten. There is inestimable value in a man who is good to you.
If you want to build a family and have children with a stable man that you love, you must accept a fact that is true for 90% of women these days: the man you are most sexually attracted to is not going to be the man who will make you happy and who will make your dreams come true.
You must accept that your sexuality is a dark place, and that you need a lot of drama to attain your best orgasms (or perhaps orgasm at all). This means that the man you are most sexually attracted to will, by the very nature of your sexuality, very possibly completely destroy you psychologically. Settling is true in more than one word: the man you are most sexually attracted to will not settle down.
This is precisely why sexual compatibility should be a threshold value, rather than the ultimate value, in who you are going to spend the rest of your life with. He must at least meet your sexual attraction threshold: you’ll find him extremely difficult to live with, make happy, not negatively manipulate — a process detrimental to both parties’ happiness — and respect if he does not. A good way of keeping your threshold low is to minimise your sexual experiences.
You must evaluate him for stability and values. His job and his attitude to it are an easy screening tool for this. Let us be clear, this in no way means he should be rich. In fact, quite the opposite a lot of the time. It does means he has a reasonably steady way of providing for himself and a good set of skills. You are looking for his belief in doing something that is worthy and being able to take care of both himself and perhaps others if needed. You are looking for an ability to be forward-thinking. You are looking for a man who takes educated risks: one that may not play it completely safe nor one that is addicted to risk-taking. You are looking for a man who dislikes the idea of having no options and makes provisions against this. You are looking for a man that matches you.
The relationships he has with his family are another thing to examine. Is there any evidence that he cares for them? Are the relationships loving, or are they more troubled? Is he sufficiently independent, but not utterly distant?
AJ Travis has a comprehensive guide to the kind of approach you should probably be considering:
[Note: Travis' seeming definition of beta is -- to keep it simple -- any man who is not a manwhore.]
Being rational and acting on your rational reasoning is very difficult but it is made much easier if you decide what you’d ideally do before you involve yourself in any situations.
This means you will have to work with him to keep your attraction to each other as embers with the occasional flare-up. This is slightly different from the all consuming flames that immolate your psychological well-being and all those who depend on you (e.g. children, friends, family) with it. You can actually do many things towards this: first of all, you must maintain his attraction for you. Look after your looks: healthy diet, exercise, cosmetics, botox and even cosmetic surgery. Look after your dynamics and conversation: no, no, no nagging. Be thrilled with his muscles or looks or conversation or whatever you’re finding attractive or masculine — make no secret of it. Encourage his masculinity, his nights with the boys, his continuing appreciation of women, rather than working to suppress it. This should act as a preventative measure for him declining or becoming excessively complacent. Inspire him to stay on top of his game. Remember that you must not press for, or encourage, behaviours that would turn you off eventually but benefit you in the short-term (e.g. him letting you have your way).
Spend time being very selective and choosy about what kind of man he is: find someone attractive to you who is a man of values. Once you do, stay with him and be 100% loyal. Your main goal should be establishing a family, or at least having a companion who provides you with reasonable happiness and contentment for life — not a person you spend every moment with (it’s a woman’s lot that a man’s interest declines with time especially once she hits A Certain Age, in a relationship or not) but a ‘witness’:
”We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness’.”
– Shall We Dance
Once you choose him, forget about doing better or being with anyone else. This is very damaging, especially if you make a habit out of it. Your nature is to think that you could do better. You are wrong. You can do no better by settling on one carefully chosen man whom you love and who loves you sincerely back. He is here and you have chosen to be his. That decision is permanent.
Don’t make the wrong choice.