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Keep it Simple Stupid

October 28, 2009
Aoefe Ansar 2009 Lipstick Collection Kiss me You Fool Shade

Aoefe Ansar 2009 Lipstick Collection Kiss me You Fool Shade

A study by Gordon Gallup Jr., professor of psychology at the University of Albany, showed that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women reported that, after feeling attracted to another person initially, the attraction ended after the first kiss.

The study also mentioned women find kissing more important than men and will likely insist on kissing prior to a sexual encounter.

Roissy dudes talk enough about the KISS close, and, as this comment points out, women want it.  I agree.  I don’t want to wonder if he might kiss me, I want him to take the damn kiss.  This goes for even the biggest loser-types, too.  If they have the cojones to kiss me, they’ve risen in my estimation.  But…the kiss itself will literally seal the deal for the next date –if it’s bad, there ain’t no second one.  I can’t speak to how girls kiss because I haven’t kissed a girl (insert Katy Perry song …and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick…), but I can address bad kissing experiences I’ve had.  I don’t claim to be an expert in much — but kissing is my forte: my lips were made for it and almost nothing else *wink*.

What NOT to do taken from my own experience with men who can’t kiss.

  • The Dart – A stabbing, pointed thing chasing your tongue while stabbing the entire orifice.
  • The Splash – A wet, slobbery, saliva filled experience.
  • The Clash – Teeth crashing, a most unpleasant feeling.
  • The Mash – Mouths mashed up tight, any closer and his mouth would exit the back of your head.
  • The Biter – Biting on a first kiss is a no-no. (later is another story)
  • The Purser – You couldn’t fit a penny between the lips of this person and they think it’s an erotic kiss.
  • The Rank – Breath so smelly you want to vomit a little in your mouth to teach them a lesson about brushing.

Best advice in this clip: “Don’t forget to breathe through your nose — nothing ruins a good make-out like falling unconscious.”  Tru Dat.

You may be aiming for delights of the flesh, but you’ll be less likely to strike the target without kissing talent.  Take a little hint from the movie The Meaning of Life (Monty Python):

Humphrey: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not… do… vaginal… juices?
Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Watson: R – rubbing the clitoris, sir?
Humphrey: What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Wymer: Suck the nipple, sir?
Humphrey: Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.
Pupil: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
Humphrey: Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
Pupil: Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
Humphrey: Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Watson: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

I’ll end with a charming vid which combines clips from one of my favorite movies of all times The Princess Bride. The title is misleading for those of you who haven’t seen the film — very good cast, funny, spoofy and still romantic — a gem.

54 Comments leave one →
  1. JerkDogg permalink
    October 28, 2009 12:21 am

    Most chicks think I’m a good kisser. I’ve had two chicks (I think they lie) claimed they literally got off from me kissing them alone. Regardless of whether they lied they were sufficiently impressed to put on a good show.

    Nevertheless, when I go in for the first kiss, I feel akward.

  2. October 28, 2009 12:36 am

    I love making out.

    That is all.

  3. October 28, 2009 1:00 am

    i’m not really a tongue guy.

    it’s all about the lips. the nibbling of the lips…

  4. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 1:18 am

    More Nots:

    – Don’t suck too hard.

    – Don’t be dry. (This kind of goes with the breath point, but not necessarily.)

    – Vary it the fuck up; don’t just do the same motions over and over.

    – Make an effort to imagine what this feels like for the other person. You’d be surprised how far this gets you in any pursuit.

    Another general tip:

    – Mint gum SUCKS; it’s imposing, and it makes it too apparent that you’ve anticipated the kiss. Stop it. It isn’t the mintiness of gum which is healthy, but the flow of saliva. Mintiness is just added effect. Find a sugar free fruit or “original” type flavoured gum, or a sugar free kids’ gum. It’s so much more natural, and easily suffices to avert bad breath. An added bonus is that this sort of gum does not ruin food and drinks the way mint does.

  5. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 1:23 am

    Oh yeah and I guess since this is really for girls:

    Don’t be too proficient and tricky. Just be pleasant. Otherwise, we might wonder how you got that way.

  6. JerkDogg permalink
    October 28, 2009 1:28 am

    Gum ruins wine.

    And I like making her tilt her head up a bit toward me. I alternate this by sometimes manhandling her a bit followed by soft carresses with solid gentle eye contact while whispering why I’m so into her. The key to keeping any makeout session fresh is to have two different songs in your head. One kissing theme follows one song and the other theme caressing theme follows the other – naturally classical music works best for this. The guys will raz me for this but more than a minute or two into a makeout session I usually start thinging about going down on a chick.

  7. Ferdinand Bardamu permalink
    October 28, 2009 1:40 am

    A study by Gordon Gallup Jr., professor of psychology at the University of Albany

    Hey, UAlbany’s in my area! Hometown pride!

    But seriously, one of the saddest things about living in the Age of Porn is the death of kissing. To quote John Dolan, it’s all about “getting to the fuck scene and squirt.”

    You’ve got a solid list, Aoefe, though I’ll add one thing that was touched upon in the video – USE YOUR HANDS! An unwelcome trait I’ve noticed among the girls in this city is that none of them know how to use their hands and arms when kissing. A few months ago, I was dating a girl who when making out, would do nothing but wrap her arms about me in the limpest way possible. She was an great kisser otherwise (really knew how to grab on the lips), so the disconnect felt…weird. My suggestions:

    When stroking his hair or his face, do so like you’re petting a cat – delicately and softly.

    When wrapping your arms around him, adjust according to the passion of the kiss. If you’re really Frenching it, for instance, you should be grabbing onto him for dear life (but not so tight that his breathing is constricted).

    Vary your motions. Don’t just run your fingers across the side of his face the whole time, for instance – it’s an arousal dampener. Be unpredictable.

    Much like how women appreciate a guy who can kiss, guys who’ve been around a bit appreciate ladies who can work the make out magic. Nothing gets a good night started quite like a hard kiss against a flat wall…

  8. October 28, 2009 2:12 am

    I love making out.

    I think making out is better than sex. :-)

  9. October 28, 2009 4:21 am

    You killed the kiss*.
    Prepare to die.
    (*with overanalysis.)

    FB/JerkDogg: Oh my. I need to go lower the thermostat.

    I really like these two by Kamal:
    On the fine art of kissng, caressing and the gaze. http://kali-yuga.org/?p=640
    Caressing a face: or things to do with your hands while kissing, and meditations on Coil’s “The Golden Section” http://kali-yuga.org/?p=758

  10. October 28, 2009 4:31 am

    Don’t be too proficient and tricky.

    You’re right about that as I’ve seen this happen a little; this one seems a bit silly to me on a man’s part. Female-targeted fiction and advice is very much saturated with information on the kiss. So a woman just has to pay attention.

    Well, I guess you need to be more specific with that. What do you mean? What’s a definite indicator?

  11. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 4:49 am

    Kissing tricks are the indicators. A girl once said to me, “you know all my tricks!” That night I faked my orgasm. (And even went so far as looking like I was delicately handling the condom as I tied it in a knot to make sure the ejaculate wouldn’t spill.)

    I feel so awkward describing kissing tricks. When called for, running one’s tongue along their teeth? Without sucking too hard, taking their bottom lip between your lips and moving all the way along the lip, from one side to the other? (And, without appearing to try to hard, you might become pro enough to go all the way around the mouth with this one.)

    That kind of thing. Don’t appear to have learned too much. Just be pleasant.

  12. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 4:53 am

    (By the way, I faked my orgasm because it was like fucking a bowl of jelly [or "jell-o" I think you people call it], not because she said this. My point is that this was an instance of kissing proficiency correlating with sluttiness. And there are other corroborating instances from my life like this. But even without these experiences, I’d still wonder how she got so good at kissing.)

  13. novaseeker permalink
    October 28, 2009 9:11 am

    Definitely consider what you are doing with your hands — don’t be idle.

  14. Il Capo permalink
    October 28, 2009 12:07 pm

    I don’t want to wonder if he might kiss me, I want him to take the damn kiss. This goes for even the biggest loser-types, too.

    I’ve been amazed at how many bad pickup attempts I have been able to turn around by simply kissing her. Pickups that could be dissected into all the things I did wrong or pickups that would look like they came out of the Beta manual have been turned around by a simple kiss.

    For girls: if the guy is not getting your clues, fidget with your hair. Most guys will recognize this signal.

  15. Anonymous permalink
    October 28, 2009 12:45 pm

    ‘Best advice in this clip: “Don’t forget to breathe through your nose — nothing ruins a good make-out like falling unconscious.” Tru Dat.’

    Pupu wishes she had read aoefe’s advice before she had her first kiss. She was suffering from chronic sinus infection in winter, but still marched into the territory of unknown passionately. It was a disaster.

  16. October 28, 2009 1:13 pm

    I think if you feel like it’s ‘tricksy’ kissing there is something wrong with it. Good kissing simply feels good/great, it’s not a matter of knowing the right moves, perhaps the bad kissing experiences I’ve had are all from men who are trying too hard?

    BTW Hunter glad you love our blog!

    Pupu I’m betting your second kiss was better than your first – which is really a better scenario than if you elusively chased your first kiss experience till the end of time. ;)

  17. October 28, 2009 1:15 pm

    Pickups that could be dissected into all the things I did wrong or pickups that would look like they came out of the Beta manual have been turned around by a simple kiss.

    Word

  18. October 28, 2009 1:25 pm

    aoefe:

    liked the post. as ferdinand said, kissing is a lost art.

    http://chuckross.blogspot.com/2009/06/lost-art-of-kissing-in-porn-age.html

    my least favorite kissing faux pas is The Clash and The Tongue Block. I was making out with a girl who moved her tongue around so much that it kept blocking the rest of her mouth. For some reason many think that the tongue has to be actively exploring the mouth of the other person like its Magellan or something. your advice – keep it simple stupid – is quite right.

  19. October 28, 2009 2:25 pm

    The Splash, The Mash and that Gash – it’s maddening to see them posted here; they were my best techniques.

  20. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 2:28 pm

    Aoefe –

    Don’t get me wrong, I like your blog and everything, but I didn’t say that. Someone copied my comment and added “BTW I love your blog.” You’ll notice the name doesn’t link to my blog, it links to some website called “female clitoral stimulation techniques.”

  21. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 2:30 pm

    (And by “someone” I guess I mean a spambot.)

  22. October 28, 2009 2:39 pm

    Hunter

    Aoefe –

    you’ll notice the name doesn’t link to my blog, it links to some website called “female clitoral stimulation techniques.”

    that’s one way to
    sure get her
    attention

  23. October 28, 2009 2:40 pm

    Hunter! Really? Wow – I had no idea. Funny too, because the first time I read your comment I missed that statement – now I know why.

    Girls of Girl Game – any idea how this happens and what we can do to prevent it??

  24. October 28, 2009 2:41 pm

    Firepower if it works it works – don’t change a thing. ;)

  25. October 28, 2009 2:48 pm

    aoefe coughed:

    Firepower if it works it works – don’t change a thing. ;)

    thanks. sucks to hear about your lil illness. sorry for being so fertile, even online

  26. October 28, 2009 3:41 pm

    Ao–

    marked it as spam. that’s about all we can do.

  27. October 28, 2009 4:32 pm

    Don’t suck too hard.

    Yes. Don’t do this!

  28. October 28, 2009 5:20 pm

    Hope,

    That was painful sounding…

  29. Hunter permalink
    October 28, 2009 5:37 pm

    Hope –

    Exactly…. Exactly.

  30. October 28, 2009 6:19 pm

    I’ve been told 99.9% sure I have H1N1 – got the swab, but the doc started me on Tamiflu right away because he is positive I meet every criteria. Lucky me. :)

    This is not a post to whine, it’s more about getting checked by a doctor quickly. You have to go in within 48 hours of symptoms starting for Tamiflu to be effective. This illness comes on very suddenly too – cough (dry) and fever and terrible body aches/pains – if you have these symptoms go in quickly. You’re not really at risk of dying, death rates are the same for any other flu, although the population is different (30 year old women I hear).

    So I’m cut off kissing for the time being…sucks.
    (I knew I’d tie it in.)

  31. October 28, 2009 8:19 pm

    Eeefah,
    get well soon.

    30 year old women I hear

    SRSLY?

  32. Willard Libby permalink
    October 28, 2009 9:20 pm

    Kissing and intimacy on the beach at night with Bernadette Peters and some nothing of a guy.

  33. October 28, 2009 9:42 pm

    Mm…muah! Very interesting! By the way aoefe you have a very pretty pout! :-) Hope you feel better soon

    One thing a lot of people say is that over time, couples kiss less and less. Not only less often but with less passion. They tend to go straight for the main stuff. That sounds too bad. Makes it seem like guys just want to kiss girls well in order to do other stuff with them! :-)

  34. pupu permalink
    October 29, 2009 12:32 am

    Get well soon! Drink a lot of water, rest well, and when bored, just drop a line and we will keep you company.

  35. October 29, 2009 12:59 am

    Aoefe –

    Get better soon! I’m pretty sure both the boyfriend and I had two different types of the flu in the past month (either that, or we were both just really sick…twice)…as awesome as that sounds…yeah. We weren’t quite as, er, dedicated to not spreading it as you are.

  36. October 29, 2009 10:38 am


    lilgrl was this you and epoxy then?? ;)

  37. October 29, 2009 8:54 pm

    I’m coming from a place of inexperience so I’m wondering. How good does a kiss need to be for you to sigh the guy’s name under your breath?

  38. October 29, 2009 10:13 pm

    JD it’s a really, really good kiss when a girl does that. If it’s happened to you – good job. :)

  39. October 29, 2009 11:13 pm

    If it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have asked. :)

  40. October 29, 2009 11:38 pm

    JD, I know. ;)

  41. November 3, 2009 10:42 pm

    Variety is the spice of life. For your sake, I hope you use your lips for more than kissing.

  42. November 4, 2009 2:00 am

    I am a lady JB and I coudn’t say…but you could use your imaginiation. ;)

  43. Nathan permalink
    November 4, 2009 3:28 am

    Aoefe, is that your real name? It’s interesting. The Ansar would lead me to guess Middle Eastern, from your dad’s side anyway. What is your heritage?

  44. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    November 4, 2009 4:07 am

    (Msexceptiontotherule will now commence with her best efforts to look completely shocked and briefly unable to find the right words…Done.)

    Just when I thought it was pretty impressive to have had plans that I actually followed through on for Halloween and also decided that a year was probably long enough to wait before taking off my wedding ring. Not that I didn’t have fun (more or less) going out, but I’m finding that in the big picture I’m still very far off from really seeing what’s out there from a better – and closer – perspective.

  45. November 4, 2009 9:47 am

    Ms Exception did you go to a club pray tell?

  46. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    November 5, 2009 6:46 pm

    Sort of..? It was one of those combination things where they set up a large space to have like 20 tables close to the main bar, the shortest wall in the place had built in booths and almost zero visibility so I avoided that area…and it was 80′s night which included a round dancefloor (something I haven’t seen…and here I thought that there was some rule that they must all be rectangles or squares that was universal. Who knows.)

    but it got me out of the house, and this time around I went out with two of my guy friends and one female friend, all of which are very laid back except for when they get a perfect opportunity for comedy and usually I’m trying to keep a straight face when that goes on. But they do try to be entertaining with the emphasis on inside-jokes humor. :)

  47. November 5, 2009 7:17 pm

    Ms. Exception what did you find the hardest part about the night?

  48. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    November 6, 2009 2:04 am

    Leaving the house, especially after deciding it was time to take the rings off without a last minute dash to go get them and put them back on.

  49. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    November 6, 2009 2:05 am

    Wow, I just surprised myself at how quick that was for me to answer.

  50. November 6, 2009 10:38 am

    Did you put them back on when you got home?

  51. msexceptiontotherule permalink
    November 7, 2009 5:37 am

    I was thinking about doing that, in fact, it kept me awake all night thinking about everything going on and everything that’s happened over the last year. Then I called my mother and talked to her for a while about it, and after that I called my closest friend even though we don’t talk as frequently as we used to; both said (in essence) it’s something that I’d know when it was the right time to do. Not exactly helpful in a specific sort of way like I was hoping for, but then I started to think about why expecting to get anyone to provide me with a specific answer was like hoping to wake up tommorrow 5’9″ and a runway model. It’s impossible – unless it turns out that we are reincarnated and I happen to come back as a runway model who’s 5’9″, but until then….
    In any case, I haven’t put them back on, and I’m ok with that for the time being. It’s been a year now, and in some ways I have to let go of the physical presence of him and allow myself to feel better about my still being alive than I have. I don’t think that he would have been happy about the times where I sit and contemplate joining him, since there has always been the means available. Actually, he would probably yell at me for even thinking about it. What it all comes down to is that I needed to start putting one foot in front of the other rather than delay the journey longer. If we spend our entire lives holding ourselves prisoner to a time we know that we cannot go back to, we lose everything we could have had in the future.

  52. November 7, 2009 6:09 am

    You have it figured out mind wise, you just need time now.

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