Skip to content

It’s OK to be Single

December 8, 2009

A common affliction of many women in our modern result-oriented, thrill-seeking society is the idea that a woman needs a man in order to be a complete person and gain the respect of others.

Many women today can’t fully accept the idea of being “single and OK,” and find contentment as an independent entity.  This dissonance leads many into the realm of desperation.

Desperation is a disease that is so overwhelmingly strong, its presence emanates from every pore of a person’s being.  Attempts to hide or relieve the symptoms temporarily are fleeting, at best.  Desperation leads people to:

source: dailymail.co.uk

  • Settle for less and then regret it when they realize that settling doesn’t always lead to satisfaction. (And often leads to things like infidelity, nagging, etc.)
  • Become so incredibly annoying as to turn off a perfectly fine prospect. For long-term commitment, personality and character does matter.
  • Take actions which result in short-term gains but long-term losses. (She sleeps with him easily in order to keep his attention, but he eventually loses interest when he finds Ms. Hotter New Booty)
  • Erode any sense of earned loyalty or respect when the fantasy that’s been built up around the other falls short.  (This commonly occurs when a person falls in love too fast, and is disappointed by the real person in front of them)
  • Become crazy after a break-up.  They stalk, or try to sabotage their ex’s life.  Or they go into a spiral of despair; they may turn promiscuous trying to quickly recreate the good feelings they had with their ex, that they have now lost.

Just as many men are choosing to go their own way and find fulfillment outside of love, sex and relationships, women should also realize it’s OK to go your own way.

It’s OK to focus your energies on some other noble goal, if you feel that the pursuit of a relationship is doing you more harm than good.

It’s OK to be the only single girl when all of your friends have boyfriends and husbands.

It’s OK to go to social events alone, and be the 3rd/5th/21st wheel (I have done it pretty much my whole life, you can too – and you may just be surprised by what happens :-) ).

Women can create a fulfilling life without a man, by pursuing passions in other areas of their lives.  Some pursuits are simply more difficult to do when in a relationship or with a family.

  • Have you dreamed of spending a year in Spain learning to dance flamenco, cook paella and sip sangria?
  • Have you ever thought it would be interesting to get a PhD in a subject you’ve always had an interest in?  And maybe even teach others on that subject, and make a difference in the lives of young people?
  • Have you ever felt like you love children and love sees no color?  And you would be more than happy to give that love freely to children lacking in love?

The Hard Part

Loneliness is perhaps the most difficult part.  It’s important to maintain strong social network, whether through family or supportive friends.

Haters will try to bring a single girl down.  A girl needs to learn to give her attention mainly to those who are worthy of it (“good people”):

  • Good people don’t laugh or chide a woman who for whatever reason, isn’t married by age 30.
  • Good people will not act like it’s easy to find someone, and only a total loser girl can’t. Nowadays many men are able to get sex better, faster and cheaper, and many women are simply not going to find anyone.
  • Good people will not judge a girl by her “success” as married or in a relationship, but instead will focus on what she create, says and does in all aspects of her life.

Women of the world, always remember:

You are an individual with a mind and hands that enable you to do all sorts of amazing things.  If you decide to give up your individual self to become part of a team unit, it should primarily be because it enhances your life and makes you extra happy.

Not because you get to show off Mr. Rich & Handsome to all your friends, have a fabulous$ wedding that is featured in the Times, or make designer babies everyone coos over.

Caution: If you decide to go your own way, or simply accept the single life for awhile (when everyone else says to hurry up while you are still young), proceed with caution.  At times your biological urges to make babies or be desire a partner to share life with will kick in.  You must train your mind to remember why you chose the path you did and why it’s OK.  Journaling, charting out a life plan, or simply writing out your goals can help.  Go back to these items any time you feel pissy: “It’s so hard to meet someone when you’re doing volunteer work in rural Cambodia, I wish I never came here” or “If only I hadn’t gone to graduate school, guys wouldn’t be intimated by me and would ask me out more.”  Always remember you made the choice you did for a reason that made sense when you made it.  Complaining will only bring you down and make you less attractive (stress wrinkles, lack of inner beauty, etc.), should you decide you want to get back in the game again and meet someone.

48 Comments leave one →
  1. СОФИЯ/sofia permalink
    December 8, 2009 1:06 am

    I don’t have time to read the post right now, but amazing choice of accompanying graphic. Hehehe.

  2. December 8, 2009 1:14 am

    I totally agree – it’s ok to be single – just ask me! I was having an interesting conversation with an attractive, somewhat newly single woman recently and told her that it’s ok being single and makes it much nicer when you are scoping out the prospects not to be desperately looking. Too many women feel the urgency to be with someone and clearly 50% of those relationships will end poorly. I’d rather be alone than end up lonely with someone. Just sayin…

  3. December 8, 2009 10:24 am

    “A common affliction of many women in our modern result-oriented, thrill-seeking society is the idea that a woman needs a man in order to be a complete person and gain the respect of others”

    Surely this belief isn’t more common *today* than it was in, say, 1950? 1900? 1800?

  4. Dreamer permalink
    December 8, 2009 10:47 am

    This is awesome.

  5. December 8, 2009 10:51 am

    @davidfoster

    One of the ideas behind feminism was to make it more acceptable for women to be seen as individuals, and be able to sustain themselves individually. Yet the idea that a woman needs a man seems to persist – even with the mass societal change feminism brought about. My post is more about the *internal* thought processes so many women continue to have even in our post-feminist world.

    Feminism-inspired laws don’t seem to have tackled the internal battles about women being seen more as individuals with ideas, above just baby-making or pleasure machines.

  6. Nathan permalink
    December 8, 2009 11:12 am

    Is dreamer == LSB? Are you bumping up the comments by responding to your own posts LSB? Cute.

    By the way, is it just me or is the rotation for the blog a little bit uneven? It seemed the tutorial on walking from lilgrl was up for in inordinate amount of time, but Bhetti’s article was bumped down on the main page by this one in less than a day.

  7. December 8, 2009 12:05 pm

    Girls being single is INDEED OK. sometimes girls who cant keep longterm relationships make the best companions

  8. СОФИЯ/sofia permalink
    December 8, 2009 2:25 pm

    Agreed as well. There’s a reason why singles are envied in certain unions. Great post!

  9. novaseeker permalink
    December 8, 2009 2:55 pm

    And WGTOW was born …

  10. December 8, 2009 3:46 pm

    Nathan –

    That icon is the icon you’ll get if you don’t enter an email address.

    We update on weekdays, but not on weekends–hence the “inordinate amount of time” versus the “less than a day”.

    But, hey, nice try. Keep it up, champ.

  11. Real Woman permalink
    December 8, 2009 6:26 pm

    This is the BEST one here yet!

    Everyone needs a larger mission in life outside of themselves – everyone.

  12. December 8, 2009 6:36 pm

    I like being single. But I am loner by nature. When people find out I don’t have a man, I usually get “oh but you’re so pretty surely there must be someone” blah blah blah.

    I don’t need a boyfriend people. Although, a little bit of default user under my xmas tree would be nice.

    *chic noir blushes*

  13. December 8, 2009 6:37 pm

    *shakes finger at Nathan*

    You’re a grouchie one but I like your e-person. I wonder what you’re like in real life?

  14. Real Woman permalink
    December 8, 2009 6:53 pm

    I think what alot of people assume women will be unhappy single. What they don’t realize is that alot of women PREFER it. I certainly have friends and family members that do – for a wide variety of reasons.

  15. December 8, 2009 8:25 pm

    @real woman- do tell?

    Please

  16. whodat permalink
    December 8, 2009 8:41 pm

    Great post LSB. I agree that everyone should be free to pursue their own desires.

    Society, religion, and certain cultures have led people to believe that union is the only path to happiness. Current divorce rates in virtually all cultures, countries, and societies should be demonstrative of the importance of individual fulfillment. I see way too often that girls and guys give into societal pressure and dive into a relationship…perhaps to have a companion to couples night out or to fulfill desires of family members…all without regard to personal preference. Such departure from personal goals often lead to unhappy relationships, nagging, or even divorce.

    I also agree that it is OK to be the only single friend out on the weekends. I feel personal attitude plays a huge roll in portraying ones individual self contentment. If you go out and portray that you are truly happy (and even happier than your married friends) then you may even get your hitched friends to second guess their personal choices.

    Show off how you don’t have to check-in with your man on girls night out. Allow them to be jealous from all the attention you receive from the other single men at the restaurant/bar. When the rest of the girls are heading home to be on time (as per their man’s curfue), stay out and let the single men buy you drinks. Let all the hitched women know what they are missing out on.

  17. December 8, 2009 8:48 pm

    I should add to my earlier statement that although content to be single I am missing out on other things relationships offer. Sex, companionship, sex, friendship, sex…

    Sigh…

  18. Clarence permalink
    December 8, 2009 9:28 pm

    Nova:

    As distinct from lesbian separatists – I give you first dibs on the acronym.

    Meanwhile with all the women of Girl Game being happy with singleness my evil plan to start a personal harem with them is slightly set back..

  19. Nathan permalink
    December 8, 2009 9:51 pm

    @ Chic

    Who me? Couldn’t be! It was just a simple query as to why some posts are at the top of the front page longer than others are. I’m not sure why grouchiness (or the accusation that it was a “nice try” – try at what?) is inferred from it. Feel free to read all future comments by me with a smiley/winky emotion tacked onto the end – it should take the imagined curtness off of it.

  20. Real Woman permalink
    December 8, 2009 9:55 pm

    Some eye candy for the ladies here;

    Hot Dayum!

    I ain’t even listenin’ to what he’s sayin’….

  21. December 8, 2009 10:48 pm

    @nathan- Sometimes I think you’re negging the ladies but I’m not sure.

    *chic noir shrugs shoulders*

    Either way, sometimes you make me giggle when you tease them.

  22. December 8, 2009 10:54 pm

    @real woman- thanks. He is hotter than epoxy.

    *epoxy sits up str8*

    epoxy: who, who is hotter than I woman???

    *epoxy pulls hand mirrors from both pockets to compare his face and body to guy in video*

    Just kidding. I prefer my blk men deep fudge chocolate but that guy isn’t bad.

    I imagine he is the type of blk guy you’d see in an Abercrombie&Fitch catalog.

    It’s his swagger more than his looks that makes he hot. I felt drawn into the video, he must really do well with women. His has a gina tingles aura.

    @epoxy-just teasing buddy.

  23. Real Woman permalink
    December 8, 2009 11:02 pm

    “I prefer my blk men deep fudge chocolate”

    That’s ok Chic Noir, just means more “light-skinneded” brothers for me!

    You like your chocolate bar 100% cacao and I like mine 75%.

  24. December 8, 2009 11:46 pm

    lol@real woman

  25. December 9, 2009 1:02 am

    It’s so much easier for a woman of a reasonable age to opt out of the couples matrix. And why do I think this? Because it is also so much easier for a woman of a reasonable age to opt out of the singles matrix.

    Think of single-hood and couple-hood as adjacent worlds separated by a thin membrane which is stubbornly difficult to pass through…for about half the population, that is. The remaining population can come and go with ease and the membrane/wall is barely existent to them.

    Goofy analogy aside, I think it’s slightly disingenuous for women to go on about the strength which lies in their lifestyle choice of being single. Precisely because it is a choice for most women. Ladies, all you gotta do is show up and you’re halfway there.

    Let’s face it, most guys have crap for game, if they have game at all. Hell, I have so-so game and I can still work it enough to get what I need most of the time. A woman with the mirror-image personality quirks which lead a man to be involuntarily single has many more options than her sappy male counterpart could ever dream of.

  26. novaseeker permalink
    December 9, 2009 5:04 am

    They have more options than equally situated men, yes, but those options that they do have may not be the options that they want. And still other women who are more mid pack or slightly lower on the richter scale get relatively little attention, period. I don’t disagree that when we’re talking about men and women who are average/above-average and higher, women generally have many more options in total. But women care less about that, especially if they are the types with lots of options, because that is something that have experienced since they were 15. They care more about what the options are, and for quite a few women, many of the options they have are not great. The “sweet spot” of women today are the women who are cute and better — let’s say 6s and 7s. These women get tons of attention, even from alpha type guys, if they are willing to reciprocate with sex. But women who are 3s-5s are in a different boat, for the most part.

  27. December 9, 2009 6:35 am

    The problem here is that remaining single is so hard; for me, I find that there’re options (and let’s be honest, many more if I was interested in actively pursuing anything less than what I am interested in). It’s much more difficult for a woman to say single when she has so many opportunities.

    All it takes is a moment of weaknesses, a moment of baby crazy, a moment of loneliness before you’ve relinquished the single life. All a woman has to do is just say ‘yes’ while more often than not a man has to actively pursue.

    Single life just isn’t natural; our instincts which are very powerful push us the other way. We have to fight them quite strongly in order to preserve the independence and growth afforded by alone time.

    P.S. I do agree with david foster’s point. ‘I don’t need no man!’ is the modern mantra. While no matter how hard you fight it, it’s not strictly true for most women, despite the propaganda.

    However, there are more subtleties to this, generated by the conflicts between socialisation and the desire for a partner. On the assumption that it’s easy to gain a man but also socially acceptable to be promiscuous and have a series of partners, this creates a situation where you have a hybrid combining these two elements. A woman has a strong desire to be mated but then she becomes not selective about that mate. Yes, it used to be that a woman being the other half of a couple was seen as her life’s work and not even that — there were financial incentives among others to do this.

    That’s where you’re coming from, LSB, I think — that women accept what they shouldn’t just because it is readily available. It is much more pleasant to be celibate than to accept any old prospect that comes your way; you have to realise you must choose someone that is worth it.

  28. December 9, 2009 7:37 am

    Edited:
    Yes, I think it is important for women (and men) to not become so desperate that in a moment of weakness, they accept someone with whom they won’t ultimately feel happy (and if not happy, at the least unable to make a basic and sincere commitment). I’ve spent the majority of my life single, and had my share of moments where I longed for someone to love, or just for a boyfriend of some sort to do couple-y things with.

    The problem was usually not lack of attention but lack of attention from who I thought I liked, and sometimes being too naive and shy to know how to conduct the dance of seduction (and give off open signals like “indicators of interest,” which do not include running away when he starts walking toward you or acting very loudly offended when he asks for your phone number; there was also my ultra religious phase but that’s another story).

    In a moment of loneliness, around Valentine’s Day or just after things didn’t go well with a particular prospect, it was sometimes hard to not feel like “anyone who doesn’t beat me is fine,” and act on it. (To be honest I probably did give false signals to a few guys while in this mental state of giving up; some of these guys continue to pursue years later even when I give no interest signals beyond basically friendliness, sometimes when I don’t even respond at all to the last 5 attempts… is this seeming obsession a result of too big of a disparity in “ranking”?)

    I am so glad now I spent those times single because it made it easier for me to detach from the coupling race, and let things happen more naturally rather than out of some frantic need. I didn’t accept the notorious player’s invite for a date, just out of hope he might be my Valentine. I didn’t say yes to the in-demand bachelor who I didn’t really like in my gut, because I felt like I have to rebound and show others that yes, I have moved on to a better guy, uh huh…

  29. December 9, 2009 12:38 pm

    There’s a saying in aviation, “It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here.” The same logic may apply in this case.

  30. Real Woman permalink
    December 9, 2009 12:45 pm

    I agree that not all women have more options than men. In fact, I think increasingly, as more and more women in the US become morbidly obese, they do not have options at all. But then again, you do see women pushing 300 pounds (and beyond) with boyfriends – but I’m assuming that’s rare.

    What I don’t understand is the women who want to be married and yet are not willing to “settle” for even decent men with good jobs who pursue them. What do these women want? God incarnate?

    There is no such thing as the “perfect man” ladies.

  31. December 9, 2009 1:19 pm

    @ Real Woman & @ novaseeker

    You both allude to the shrinking market appeal of obese women. I’d tend to agree with you but you really need to visit my hood. The marketing values are considerably skewed around here ;)

    I guess it’s no mistake novaseeker referred to the “richter scale,” was it?

  32. Real Woman permalink
    December 9, 2009 1:27 pm

    Maybe in your hood they are popular coz that’s all there is. But in an area where there is a healthy mix of non-obese women vis a vis obese, the obese will not be pulling anywhere near the same amount of attention/men. I’m assuming. Could be wrong. Perhaps all the lone obese women I see out and about have hot men at home.

  33. Il Capo permalink
    December 9, 2009 4:58 pm

    Apparently very thick woman are getting theirs, as long as their standards are low:

    http://www.rooshv.com/craigslist-slut

  34. Real Woman permalink
    December 10, 2009 1:06 am

    “Apparently very thick woman are getting theirs, as long as their standards are low:”

    I’m not talking about “thick” women, I’m talking about obese women (over 200 pounds).

    But perhaps all of them are “getting their’s” on the regular as well.

  35. aliasclio permalink
    December 10, 2009 1:58 am

    Saying “it’s all right to be single” is all very well, and true as far as it goes, but I would add another option to this: it’s all right not to have sex while you’re single. Too many women today, even those who shrug their shoulders about being single, regard not having sex as a sign of social/sexual failure. This leads many women to have sexual encounters that are neither arousing nor emotionally satisfying. Some of these encounters may, in fact, be deeply humiliating, although many women manage to ignore or overlook this aspect of their “sex lives”.

    I was always puzzled by, for example, the women who enthused over *Sex and the City* as a testament to the pleasures of sexual freedom, apparently without noticing that the women in that show endured many humiliations and much anxiety as the price of their freedom, without, in the end, getting much “good sex” out of it.

  36. December 10, 2009 2:29 am

    alias, true.

    I’ve experienced various women attempting to deconstruct one of my less than sunny moods as a function of me not “getting any.” Men I know would never assert such a thing with a straight face.

  37. slumlord permalink
    December 10, 2009 3:11 am

    By ourselves we are incomplete.

  38. December 10, 2009 10:27 am

    Slumlord that was very nicely put. I’m content to be single rather than in a terrible relationship – but would prefer a partner (hence the search).

    Clio I of course am in agreement with you (see Zip it good). :)

  39. Real Woman permalink
    December 10, 2009 11:17 am

    How are we incomplete by ourselves? Explain please.

  40. slumlord permalink
    December 10, 2009 5:18 pm

    No one is happy being by themselves. We punish people in prison by enforced solitude. We are born to love and to be loved. The solitary state is a privation.

  41. Tamara permalink
    December 10, 2009 6:53 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    There is so LITTLE of these messages to females out there.
    As a result, there are these cloned girls walking around who aren’t strong enough to face life alone, face adventure, explore their interests, and putting themselves first.
    Why do girls fear this so much? At what point in history did this just get implanted in society that every girl has to be attached to the hip?

    Every female should aim to find happiness alone before finding it from someone else. You should never place yourself in a position of depending on happiness and companionship with someone else because you never know what will happen in the future. (e.g. death, sickness, divorce, adultery).
    After facing this loneliness when I was younger, I couldn’t believe how happy I actually could be alone. I could choose who I want to date, what I want to do, it was quite liberating.

    So again, thank you for this post.

  42. December 10, 2009 7:15 pm

    @aliasclio
    Great point. Sexual pleasure is a gift but contrary to what many say, doesn’t have to be a necessity. And I hate to say it but even if a girl decides she really “needs” it, she should find ways to indulge without harming herself via her failed interactions with others (e.g., friends with benefits, etc.).

    @slumlord
    There’s a difference between total isolation from other people, and having a boyfriend/husband. It isn’t normal to be like a Henry David Thoreau or Unabomber and cut oneself off from others. I pointed out the problem of loneliness and making sure one does have a good support network.

    **One more reason being single is OK**:

    Even if you do get married, and do everything possible to be the perfect wife (look hot, be sweet, support him, etc.) – he might still do to you what Tiger Woods did to Elin.

    If you don’t want to go through the emotional agony of being with a cheater (and potential physical danger if he gets a disease to boot), maybe it is better to stay single. Makes me think it is better…lol

  43. slumlord permalink
    December 10, 2009 9:19 pm

    @lovelysexybeauty

    You can be surrounded by an ocean of people but unloved you are alone.

    ……he might still do to you what Tiger Woods did to Elin.

    Loving someone else is always a risky proposition, but it’s worth it. The alternative is emptiness. Remember Simon and Garfunkle? I am a rock, I am an island.

  44. slumlord permalink
    December 10, 2009 9:24 pm

    Pertinent.

  45. aliasclio permalink
    December 11, 2009 2:12 am

    Slumlord, in one sense I agree with you, but the plain truth is that sometimes we must just accept or come to terms with our incompleteness, even our loneliness, without self-pity or resentment, because we have no options, no choice in the matter.

    An exchange of dialogue in one of my favourite novels runs thus: “But what am I going to do? I can’t live without him.” The other character responds, “This you must learn to do: to live without.” Sometimes it’s simply what life demands of us. And when we’ve accepted it – our (apparently) unchanging/unchangeable single state – we may find that it’s not so terrible after all, and that it brings with it certain consolations.

    What these young women here are trying to do, in praising the single state, is not to give up on the hope of love (they’re all a bit young for that, and perhaps most of their readers too), but to remind each other that it isn’t necessary to waste years of your life feeling sorry for yourself if a suitable mate remains elusive. Don’t get too agitated in that male way about female hypergamy and the concept of a “suitable mate” either: they also talk about the importance of making a wise choice and not merely going for the “tingle”, or the man with the highest social status.

  46. Dreamer permalink
    December 11, 2009 2:19 am

    @aliasclio
    Agreed about the Sex and the City phenomenon. Nothing liberating about sleeping around… I never saw the happiness there, the women seemed continually frustrated and disappointed. They never stopped to enjoy themselves and who they were, and constantly identified themselves through the men in their lives. Not saying it wasn’t an awesome show…

  47. slumlord permalink
    December 11, 2009 7:24 am

    Going alone is better than being paired with someone just for the sake of not being alone. But going alone is not better than being loved. Sometimes the independent woman mantra gets overplayed a bit.

Trackbacks

  1. The Chastity Belt « Girl Game

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 80 other followers

%d bloggers like this: