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The Chastity Belt

December 20, 2009

We’ve talked about why being single is great while you’re choosing carefully who to be with.

There are several internally motivating reasons as to why your everyday girl stays single.

If remaining single is difficult for you, you might want to consider why that is in the context of these areas.

  • Character
    sxc.hu/profile/k_deemon

    sxc.hu/profile/k_deemon

    First of all, you may have moral quibbles about anything from one night stands to premarital sex. There are many reasons for this, some religious, some not. For example, it may bother you to have sex with someone you ideologically disagree with: this allows you to avoid the too-common hypocrisy inherent in the strange pairing of feminisluts and misogynistic players.

    When you do ally yourself with a man who wants more than you do, either through sex or commitment, you can feel a lot of guilt. It is justified. You are essentially exploiting a man. It doesn’t matter if he wants to be exploited; you are responsible for your actions. Taking advantage of him being at your mercy is cruelty. Trust me, when you break up with him or he spends the rest of his life pining after you, he won’t thank you for it. Being with a man you don’t value is truly doing him a disfavour. Leave him be and let him try and find a woman who wants him.

    An adherance to your moral beliefs is also indicative of self-control. (Note: self-control improves with physical exercise.) Being single hinges on that aspect. Remaining single is relatively easy for a man in terms of requiring that he exercise self-control by making sure he does not actively pursue a woman. You, on the other hand, have to say ‘thank you but I don’t’ repeatedly.

  • PrideYou believe you deserve better, that you can do better and that you should do better.  You may be right.

    sxc.hu/profile/hmancuso

    The normal woman’s attitude here can appear arbitrary and inconsistent, perhaps because her level of realistic self-esteem  is consistently in conflict with her hypergamous instinct. She may want to do better whether she knows it or not but does not believe she is attractive enough to do that. I will voluntarily disclose that here is where I perceive my personal weakness to be: I don’t believe in myself or my value. This isn’t a call for attempting to prop up my ego (or confirm that it should be demolished, either!). The point I wish to make is that a respect for your self needs to come from within you so that you don’t seek any attention from just any man and so that you don’t underestimate how well you can actually do.

    The balance for me is to continue to not think that I could in any way claim to be inherently superiour to anyone. I have my flaws, they have theirs.

    Pride is the missing component in many behavioural puzzles around female sexuality. The first component is in the type of man she chooses as a partner. She will want to accept no less than a man who may meet certain criteria important to her: it may be that he is ethical, of a certain status,  of a certain level of looks, of a certain value to her eyes and society’s.  She expects him to meet certain standards because she has her own. Even a shameless slut may take pride in being an excellent sexual experience. While having over-inflated pride is a problem, a woman can also sabotage herself  by having a low level of pride, refusing to aim higher than she does and being  insecure to an insufferable extent around a man she perceives as much higher value.

    The second component is in the way she is treated and treats others. She may want more for herself than being treated cheaply as a pump and dump.  She may view herself as undeserving of abuse or casual dismissal; meaningless relationships nevermind gratuitously abusive ones are demeaning and incomprehensible to her. She believes a relationship in which there is no love, real promises or reciprocity as below her level. She will refuse to revisit relationships which she has dismissed as unworkeable or, worse, in which she herself was dismissed.

    As such, she won’t indulge in affairs which she can see as trashy, won’t allow herself to submit to a man unless he is one that truly deserves her respect. She will maintain both chastity and sexual exclusivity as pride in her value if nothing else.

    When a woman with a certain level of pride abdicates the single life, the man she is with truly feels that he is special.

  • Trust

    sxc.hu/gallery/befresh

    The last aspect to think about is trust. Life is filled with lessons and lessons about human interaction. Most of these boil down to the principle that trust is such a risky enterprise.A woman who trusts easily is easily taken advantage of. She gives men plenty of opportunity to be close to her and forms relationships quickly, forming fantasies of his personality with little information. She is approachable but also hopelessly naive. It’s striking how some women learn their lessons quickly while others continually put themselves at risk.

    A woman who finds it very difficult to trust will remain single for a long time. She will need to know many details about her partner as well as be reassured of his affection for  her in order to be open and available to him. She also cannot handle the idea of being vulnerable in any way to someone she is not well acquainted with and who she has critically evaluated. She fears dangers from a person she doesn’t know, anything from assault to exploitation to deception to forms of humiliation.

So, my lovelies. Why do you think a woman might stay single when there’s no external reason why she should? What stops her being indiscriminate about her partners and her numbers? Do you  know of techniques to help harvest the monumental act of self-control involved? Why should she not, when, if a man was in the same situation as her and attaining repeated offers, he’d say ‘yes’?

22 Comments leave one →
  1. December 20, 2009 11:16 pm

    You are lovely my Miss Bhetti – it pours out of you this wonderful, earnest, introspective nature you have. Just wanted to say that and it doesn’t have anything to do with your confession above. I also want to say you and I both have the same struggle, and I identify.

    I’m very discriminating with my partners (alpha-in the spring-ex the exception) mostly because I know I’ll feel crappy if I make a rash decision. I’ve got to see some potential for future I guess. For me it’s not a spiritual choice it’s a reasoned one. I want to know he wants ME not just moi bod as flattering as that may feel at the time. I don’t believe women easily separate love and sex so I protect myself – I can’t expect him to, it’s not realistic. This inability for most women to separate themselves emotionally is the reason to have self-discipline why torture yourself with “will he call again?” fears. These fears are exacerbated when you’ve had sex too early – you’ve given him something that matters really. I know that casual sex occurs and I heck I know it has an immediate feel good feature but for women this is often offset with self-loathing afterwards. Ladies if you read men’s PUA sites at all you will know that the likelihood is they won’t stick with women who are too easy – they like the chase.

    Men can say yes because there is no penalty for them to have sex often and with many (beyond STD’s and getting women preggers). We don’t shame players, gamers or alphas. They’re pedastalized.

  2. December 21, 2009 12:04 am

    Bhetti… this was wonderful to read. Trying to be brief – really liked your thoughts on pride. Pride motivates women to listen to jealous friends, let themselves grow old waiting for the perfect man, and so on.

    And if one identifies strongly with this idea of discernment, “I don’t do *that* with just any guy,” it’s part of who she is at her core.

    About self-control…. ah well, I think you made a great point about exercise. ;-) For me meditative practices have helped, along with dance and yoga. It’s releases the energy or something. But I have to bashfully say that once one is constantly in that love&sex zone (tied for me too, aoefe) it’s harder. Some of the last comments on Roissy’s recent post about virgins discussed ways for girls to feel good but not fully break. There are other ways to feel good other than, mm, going all the way.

    Not sure what else I should say on this. Religious teachings usually say that pleasure at the s*xual level should only be in marriage. But it’s like, why and how? What crosses the line from OK pleasure from a nice massage, to bad pleasure from caressing each other with more mm, vigorous passion?

    EDIT: By the way, my mom’s advice whenever she’d hear my friends and I talk about how cute some guy is (from teenage up to even now)…”You girls need to get married.” That’s an option too… but I guess you’re looking to manage the whole single but feeling normal desires thing. Mmm…

  3. December 21, 2009 12:18 am

    ””””””Gunslingergregi
    Most girls I knew were fucking by 15. Then ya had the ones that saved it for prom. Note to wanna be virgins that almost do everything else. The hymen can be broken with a finger. So don’t let guy fingerbang your pussy if you want to keep the virgin status.
    ””””””””

    This was kind of aimed at you lsb he he he

    be carefull how far ya go.

    ””””””About self-control…. ah well, I think you made a great point about exercise. ;-) For me meditative practices have helped, along with dance and yoga. It’s releases the energy or something. But I have to bashfully say that once one is constantly in that love&sex zone (tied for me too, aoefe) it’s harder. Some of the last comments on Roissy’s recent post about virgins discussed ways for girls to feel good but not fully break. There are other ways to feel good other than, mm, going all the way. ”””””

    I would like to see ya make it all the way to marriage since that seems to be your sticking point. I would think the guy would also appreciate it in the long run.

  4. December 21, 2009 4:26 pm

    bhetti

    Taking advantage of him being at your mercy is cruelty.

    This simple fact has long since passed out of common knowledge, into a SAW XXVIII World.

  5. December 21, 2009 10:04 pm

    Felt like I didn’t express effectively how pride issues had an effect on my affect. It is easier to be single when you only will consider a man who is on your level… rather than someone, for example, who is less educated and has nothing to show for it.

    I have actually gotten past the problem of pride as far as it applies romantically to a great extent. I know consciously rather than unconsciously what I’m saying to myself when feeling hard done by or contemptuous.

    You do have to judge and trust your judgement both on the instinctual and conscious levels, when it comes to someone who you’re going to be romantically involved with. I feel I’m there as far as that goes. I’d rather be alone if it must come to it than be in a relationship with someone I don’t undoubtedly view as worth it. It’s a difficult option but the latter is even more difficult, sooner or later.

    Aoefe:

    I know that casual sex occurs and I heck I know it has an immediate feel good feature but for women this is often offset with self-loathing afterwards.

    It’s safe to say that I have this feeling to an exaggerated extent. I need a lot of affection and a lot of trust.

    LSB:

    What crosses the line from OK pleasure from a nice massage, to bad pleasure from caressing each other with more mm, vigorous passion?

    Theologically speaking, and traditions based on this? I get the impression that if you’re being good you have to do your best to avoid all thoughts; you’ll have them but don’t dwell on them or put yourself in a situation where they’re at all more likely.

    Practically speaking? In a way its roughly the same thing. Once you start at the beginning of that route — especially touch but not exclusively — it’s much more difficult to stop. Most men will push for escalation as well. It’s a slippery slope (any puns unintended).

  6. December 22, 2009 2:04 am

    Good post Bhetti. My weakness is the same as yours: lack of confidence in myself and my abilities. Wish it came easier cause it would be very nice to have. And I’ve certainly been working on it..

  7. December 22, 2009 2:10 pm

    bhetti

    I’d rather be alone if it must come to it than be in a relationship with someone I don’t undoubtedly view as worth it. It’s a difficult option but the latter is even more difficult, sooner or later.

    yep. i didn’t bust my ass to fill my brain with tons of expensive, cogent, dynamic education to be a mere atavistic slave to my id, lust – or cock.

    That said, looks like the henhouse has vacated to combat The Red Menace.

    Post some more hot girlpics to keep the guys interested whilst you femmes claw at Jan Brady 2010. [btw, Bewbies, buttz and asians are always irresistible to the projected white male audience. ]

  8. Girly Girl permalink
    December 22, 2009 4:10 pm

    Dang Bhetti,

    I love your posts! They resonate so much with me. You remind me a lot of the women in my family. One thing I would like to add…

    Being single is a great time for a woman serious about marriage to cultivate herself into someone that will not only be someone she can be proud of, but someone who is worthy of marriage to a high quality man.

    I’ve noticed that when you embody the change that you want to become, you have a much easier time attracting such change to you.

    However, it is important to place checks and balances on yourself. It is easy to live life making decisions that are based off a distorted view of reality. The beautiful girl who has character flaws that makes men not want to stick around for long needs to be able to assess herself honestly.

    When a girl is unable to do this, she can have a strong social network to point out her flaws and tell her when she is going wrong. This is why you will often find that girls from strong, conservative families tend to be more sweet-natured. They most likely had parents, grandparents, siblings, ect that did not let them get away with much.

  9. December 25, 2009 5:11 am

    Aoefe said this:

    “Ladies if you read men’s PUA sites at all you will know that the likelihood is they won’t stick with women who are too easy – they like the chase.”

    Just so you know, most community guys aren’t “players”. In fact, the majority of guys that enter the pickup community drop out when they get a girlfriend. Serial monogamy is still the dominant sexual relationship pattern. On the other hand, some few do stick with it until they get good, and then they begin to have the abundance mentality, at which point, yeah, they’re going be less likely to commit and much choosier about who they commit to.

  10. December 28, 2009 12:55 am

    Bhetti, you are so incredibly perceptive of human nature.

    The last bullet point has been me all these points. Out of all of them, trust issues have to be the most frustrating, because, unlike Pride, people are usually AWARE of their trust issues. And if the trust issues stem from some form of past abuse or trauma, then it’s even harder, because sometimes you just want to shake them off, but they just..won’t. The subconcious has a wonderful way of disrupting things.

  11. December 28, 2009 12:57 am

    Rake said:

    “On the other hand, some few do stick with it until they get good, and then they begin to have the abundance mentality, at which point, yeah, they’re going be less likely to commit and much choosier about who they commit to.”

    One thing I noticed is how Roissy insists that women love it when men have higher notchcounts.

    I find it more attractive if a man has a large number of women attracted to him, but high standards, than if a man sleeps with whatever woman goes after him. A certain male who’s been pursuing me for the past year despite my clear disinterest in him, for some reason, revealed to me that he has a notchcount of 20. That’s just disgusting.

  12. December 28, 2009 3:09 pm

    There can be positives to trust issues. You become much more selective about who you’re with. Especially in terms of looking for goodness and prioritising that over excitement. Yet… building the relationship itself needs to go slowly; you need to be seduced rather than feel pressured or pushed and feel you’re doing what you want to be doing. The emotional connection must come before acting on the sexual. Getting over the strange, unexpected conflicts that trust issues introduce unique according to your psyche is a puzzle.

    Still, getting to know someone is no guarantee. The great betrayals in my life have been from people I knew a long time, even from one occasion when the person in question was validated by third parties as ‘nice’. Indeed, being close to you is how they have the opportunity to be Great Betrayals.

    Errors in judgement or an everpresent hazard of human interaction?

  13. December 28, 2009 3:17 pm

    It’s not so much the notch count itself but the attitudes that result from having it. The confidence in himself and the ability to handle interacting with a woman on many levels.

    Stating it baldly when not interested seems a strategy that would work only on certain primitive types, possibly looking for something primitive. Anyway, his 20 sounds like the product of persistence on one hand yet… Interesting: do you think this 20 were ones he approached or who approached him?

    Seems to have reached semi-creepy stage. Cut him off somehow if you can. No contact.

  14. December 28, 2009 3:49 pm

    “Still, getting to know someone is no guarantee. The great betrayals in my life have been from people I knew a long time, even from one occasion when the person in question was validated by third parties as ‘nice’. Indeed, being close to you is how they have the opportunity to be Great Betrayals.

    Errors in judgement or an everpresent hazard of human interaction?”
    A combination of both. I think one of the greatest things I ever heard my friend say was,”When you become close to someone, you make excuses for them.” Red flags don’t seem as bright if they’re from someone you know. So, while it could be an error in judgment, I also feel that people close to you (who might not be that good, or just might be good people with some flaws, like everyone else) think that it’s easier to get away with certain things because you’ll excuse them or because you’re friends.

    “Anyway, his 20 sounds like the product of persistence on one hand yet… Interesting: do you think this 20 were ones he approached or who approached him?”
    I’m not sure. He’s a student of Game. I feel like they may have been the products of girls he’s approached, though I’m not surprised that there are a few girls hitting him up for some fun.

    “Seems to have reached semi-creepy stage. Cut him off somehow if you can. No contact.”
    What I tend to do. I have a “don’t call guys” policy. Or text them (unless it’s for something necessary, like a group project, or he’s a long term friend). He’s usually the one calling, and I don’t always pick up the phone. Usually, he’s an interesting individual to talk to, and I feel like I can learn things from him, but there are some nights where he gets ideas. I purposely reject his invitations to go here or there because I don’t trust him.

  15. December 28, 2009 3:54 pm

    Firepower

    Post some more hot girlpics to keep the guys interested whilst you femmes claw at Jan Brady 2010. [btw, Bewbies, buttz and asians are always irresistible to the projected white male audience.

    if i’m gonna blockquote somebody, might as well make it someone worth my while….

    neway, A Playette Christmas was clever & exciting. You all have such great taste: good to see you girls followed my wise orders. massive Fail on not including any good buttz, though

  16. December 28, 2009 3:59 pm

    If the Girl Gamers let me join them for a minute, they can get a good bootie for their blog. ;]

    jp :P

  17. December 28, 2009 4:08 pm

    ”When you become close to someone, you make excuses for them.” Red flags don’t seem as bright if they’re from someone you know.

    Quoted for Truth.

    Men are all about their ideas, aren’t they? ;)

    I asked you about your perception there as a measure of how attractive you actually find him. And you see him as interesting too. He may be more of a hazard to you than you might think.

    (Haha. Feel like I’m using horoscope-girl language there.

    Today, Be wary! Mars is rising over Venus, so you must watch out for…)

  18. December 28, 2009 4:11 pm

    hmm.

    IF you TRULY have the Grade A assmuffin,
    you must use extreme caution with that thing
    lest you cause dissension, jealousy & hate amongst
    The GirlGamers

    No girl would ever do that

  19. December 28, 2009 8:12 pm

    All booties must first be approved by GG’s – picture for proof. assesru@hotstuff.com

    :)

  20. December 28, 2009 11:05 pm

    @Bhetti:

    “Men are all about their ideas, aren’t they? ;)”
    You winked at me! I’m on to you!
    I kid.
    It’s true. :(

    “I asked you about your perception there as a measure of how attractive you actually find him. And you see him as interesting too. He may be more of a hazard to you than you might think.”
    Well, it’s like running into a more baby-faced and younger version of roissy who’s willing to talk to you but you don’t ever have to come into contact with him. You could learn a lot from him. Although, it’s not that easy because they try to flirt. You can’t take anything gamers say seriously.

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