Say ‘No’ to Drama
Arden touches on a fantastic point yet again with “Don’t be Crazy”:
Think about it: high-valued men, the kind we typically set out to pursue, are surrounded by attractive women who desire them all the time. Being physically attractive will get you in the running, but by itself it won’t score you the prize. Guys who can have just about any girl aren’t going to put up with crazy for very long. It’s just not worth the emotional distress.
I’d add that men who’re surrounded by obviously admiring females aren’t the only ones you’re after. I actually find that some brands of men whom are on the lower echelons of attractiveness to women are turned off and thrown off by the crazy in different ways, which I’ve observed can sometimes hamper their own game.
Arden gives many practical tips on emotional control, but I’m going to add some ways to think about it from the prespective of Inner Game. You need to:
- Be Classy
You have to remember that you want to act in a way that is beautifully mannered and courteous, without being a snob. Do not let those around you drag you down to their level. Class adds a beauty to a woman. I don’t advise that you adopt the manners of Queen Elizabeth; there’re different ways of being classy that still tally with your personality. Thinking of yourself as classy, however, means you’ll be more likely to let things simmer, give others the benefit of the doubt and not allow a public display to occur. You’ll act like an adult. You won’t pursue him more than enough to adequately demonstrate how you feel. Your actions will only occur because they accomplish a purpose; your more embarrassing displays are more likely to remain privy to yourself and your partner.
View yourself from the outside and think about how you would judge your own behaviour. Don’t be a clinging stalker! Get the hint and don’t abandon your pride; stay classy even if you’ve been rejected.
- Respect Your Partner
Think about his feelings, his image and his social status. You don’t want to be an embarrassment to the person you’re with. Of course you can disagree with him, but you need to give him respect in public. There’re ways of voicing your feelings that’re open, that see both sides of the story. You need to also acknowledge sometimes where your feelings might be coming from: sometimes its genuinely wanting a small thing to change and sometimes wanting to freak out because he left the toilet seat up yet again (and he always will: its the price of admission) is actually a sign that you’re losing your attraction to him. Exploring honestly why that’s happening might reroute a relationship that is quickly becoming a trainwreck.
You need to control how you act on how you feel for his sake; you don’t want to risk losing him over nothing (or turn him off further if you’ve parted). Naturally during a relationship, your feelings fluctuate. You have to remember to respect him just as you would when feeling positively about him.
- You’re Not Superior to Men, But You Are Different
It may not be immediately obvious why I throw this in, but a lot of drama comes from this idea that men victimise you and that your role as a women is to both be long-suffering and keep him in line from becoming a patriarchal evil overlord over you. The truth for any relationship is that both of you are responsible for it, however, and both your behaviours play into its dynamic.
Here, you have to acknowledge that some things are heteronormative. He may expect you to be in charge of feminine tasks, and you may expect him to be in charge of masculine tasks. Don’t be surprised and outraged if he thought you’d do all the cleaning and don’t feel victimised if that’s what you do. You have to negotiate around this sensitively and carefully without being surprised at each other’s expectations, making sure neither of you take advantage of each other.
- Adore Your Partner
The reality of life is, you cannot stick yourself into the state of 100% love 100% of the time. You can take a moment to say to yourself “I care for this person. I don’t want to hurt them. What’s the best thing to do for both them? What’s the best thing to do for us?” You have to remind yourself in a moment of drama what your overall emotion is towards them. This will help you tailor your decisions more sensibly; thinking about them instead of yourself takes you out of the view that is centred on the emotional chaos of your internal self.
That said, I do think there’s a little room to maneuver here. Let’s take the list of what Arden describes as being crazy:
overreactive, unnecessarily emotional, counterproductively angry, high-strung, easily pissed off, annoyingly dramatic, overly sensitive, and even slightly lesser crimes such as easily offended, passive aggressive, unapproachable, and bitchy — i.e., frequently exhibiting behaviors that are typically found by guys to be turn-offs and even dealbreakers.
Note that I don’t really consider these mental health issues, but more a product of society’s conventions and misplaced feelings of entitlement. I’ll use Arden’s terminology of being ‘crazy’ but I don’t actually mean psychiatrically evaluated mental health issues in this context.
Looking at this list on its own, I can think of a way in which girls err the other way sometimes. Fact is, a lot of men do love them some insane girls and there’re reasons why that happens. The way men phrase it is as such: sex. Anecdotally, the girls who’re the best sexually also seem to be perceived as the craziest not just in the bedroom, but out of it.
Experience might explain some of it: personal issues can in many ways lead to relative promiscuity. I don’t think that’s nearly it, however. Promiscuity and mental health don’t correlate that well, though they can overlap very powerfully.
A major second reason is emotional lability. Emotional lability is tied to the female sex drive, as well as drama creates the scenario for much more powerful sexual experience. It can even be a cycle; you may notice that the more powerfully emotion affects her sex drive, the more drama she artificially creates, seeking a higher dose of that sexual intoxicating, addicting dopamine high.
The last reason is a possible greater openness of ‘crazy’ to a state of what transactional analysts call the free child. It’s a state of joyfulness, sharing, open-mindedness, vulnerability, curiosity and exploring. Herein are many of the makings of the ideal lover, especially as a woman.
Hopefully that exposition shows self-evidently why a little “crazy” can add just the right kind of spice. I’m not saying become what a man might consider ‘psycho’. That’s emotionally tiring, nor will he find you trustworthy or think you ultimately loyal to him. If you’re too labile and fickle, he won’t be able to trust you.
While it’s great to be a beautifully mannered and considerate adult, that’s not always appropriate. Sometimes you have to make him feel that he has a strong emotional effect on you, that he moves you greatly. Depending on the man, they want genuine displays of emotional vulnerability to them. Sometimes its critical as part of your own selfish sexual thrill, and you can both manage that by explicitly discussing what your buttons are, with self-awareness. A sexual connection is very important to everyone these days; remember the ‘free child’ state when forging it.
An important part of the process of becoming intimate with someone is letting them into who you are and trusting them to handle it: you have to show them a little crazy, a little bit of you not in control.
It’ll be your little secret. Just you two, safe in each other.