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Say ‘No’ to Drama

September 20, 2010

hechicerosden.wordpress.com

Arden touches on a fantastic point yet again with “Don’t be Crazy”:

Think about it: high-valued men, the kind we typically set out to pursue, are surrounded by attractive women who desire them all the time.  Being physically attractive will get you in the running, but by itself it won’t score you the prize. Guys who can have just about any girl aren’t going to put up with crazy for very long. It’s just not worth the emotional distress.

I’d add that men who’re surrounded by obviously admiring females aren’t the only ones you’re after. I actually find that some brands of men whom are on the lower echelons of attractiveness to women are turned off and thrown off by the crazy in different ways, which I’ve observed can sometimes hamper their own game.

Arden gives many practical tips on emotional control, but I’m going to add some ways to think about it from the prespective of Inner Game. You need to:

  • Be Classy
    You have to remember that you want to act in a way that is beautifully mannered and courteous, without being a snob. Do not let those around you drag you down to their level. Class adds a beauty to a woman. I don’t advise that you adopt the manners of Queen Elizabeth; there’re different ways of being classy that still tally with your personality. Thinking of yourself as classy, however, means you’ll be more likely to let things simmer, give others the benefit of the doubt and not allow a public display to occur. You’ll act like an adult. You won’t pursue him more than enough to adequately demonstrate how you feel. Your actions will only occur because they accomplish a purpose; your more embarrassing displays are more likely to remain privy to yourself and your partner.

    View yourself from the outside and think about how you would judge your own behaviour. Don’t be a clinging stalker! Get the hint and don’t abandon your pride; stay classy even if you’ve been rejected.

  • Respect Your Partner
    Think about his feelings, his image and his social status. You don’t want to be an embarrassment to the person you’re with. Of course you can disagree with him, but you need to give him respect in public. There’re ways of voicing your feelings that’re open, that see both sides of the story. You need to also acknowledge sometimes where your feelings might be coming from: sometimes its genuinely wanting a small thing to change and sometimes wanting to freak out because he left the toilet seat up yet again (and he always will: its the price of admission) is actually a sign that you’re losing your attraction to him. Exploring honestly why that’s happening might reroute a relationship that is quickly becoming a trainwreck.

    You need to control how you act on how you feel for his sake; you don’t want to risk losing him over nothing (or turn him off further if you’ve parted). Naturally during a relationship, your feelings fluctuate. You have to remember to respect him just as you would when feeling positively about him.

  • You’re Not Superior to Men, But You Are Different
    It may not be immediately obvious why I throw this in, but a lot of drama comes from this idea that men victimise you and that your role as a women is to both be long-suffering and keep him in line from becoming a patriarchal evil overlord over you. The truth for any relationship is that both of you are responsible for it, however, and both your behaviours play into its dynamic.

    Here, you have to acknowledge that some things are heteronormative. He may expect you to be in charge of feminine tasks, and you may expect him to be in charge of masculine tasks. Don’t be surprised and outraged if he thought you’d do all the cleaning and don’t feel victimised if that’s what you do. You have to negotiate around this sensitively and carefully without being surprised at each other’s expectations, making sure neither of you take advantage of each other.

  • Adore Your Partner
    The reality of life is, you cannot stick yourself into the state of 100% love 100% of the time. You can take a moment to say to yourself “I care for this person. I don’t want to hurt them. What’s the best thing to do for both them? What’s the best thing to do for us?” You have to remind yourself in a moment of drama what your overall emotion is towards them.  This will help you tailor your decisions more sensibly; thinking about them instead of yourself takes you out of the view that is centred on the emotional chaos of your internal self.

That said, I do think there’s a little room to maneuver here. Let’s take the list of what Arden describes as being crazy:

overreactive, unnecessarily emotional, counterproductively angry, high-strung, easily pissed off, annoyingly dramatic, overly sensitive, and even slightly lesser crimes such as easily offended, passive aggressive, unapproachable, and bitchy — i.e., frequently exhibiting behaviors that are typically found by guys to be turn-offs and even dealbreakers.

Ah, self-parody!

lettherebeblogs.tumblr.com

Note that I don’t really consider these mental health issues, but more a product of society’s conventions and misplaced feelings of entitlement. I’ll use Arden’s terminology of being ‘crazy’ but I don’t actually mean psychiatrically evaluated mental health issues in this context.

Looking at this list on its own, I can think of a way in which girls err the other way sometimes. Fact is, a lot of men do love them some insane girls and there’re reasons why that happens. The way men phrase it is as such: sex.  Anecdotally, the girls who’re the best sexually also seem to be perceived as the craziest not just in the bedroom, but out of it.

collegecandy.com

Experience might explain some of it: personal issues can in many ways lead to relative promiscuity. I don’t think that’s nearly it, however. Promiscuity and mental health don’t correlate that well, though they can overlap very powerfully.

A major second reason is emotional lability. Emotional lability is tied to the female sex drive, as well as drama creates the scenario for much more powerful sexual experience. It can even be a cycle; you may notice that the more powerfully emotion affects her sex drive, the more drama she artificially creates, seeking a higher dose of that sexual intoxicating, addicting dopamine high.

The last reason is a possible greater openness of ‘crazy’ to a state of what transactional analysts call the free child. It’s a state of joyfulness, sharing, open-mindedness, vulnerability, curiosity and exploring. Herein are many of the makings of the ideal lover, especially as a woman.

Hopefully that exposition shows self-evidently why a little “crazy” can add just the right kind of spice. I’m not saying become what a man might consider ‘psycho’. That’s emotionally tiring, nor will he find you trustworthy or think you ultimately loyal to him. If you’re too labile and fickle, he won’t be able to trust you.

While it’s great to be a beautifully mannered and considerate adult, that’s not always appropriate. Sometimes you have to make him feel that he has a strong emotional effect on you, that he moves you greatly. Depending on the man, they want genuine displays of emotional vulnerability to them. Sometimes its critical as part of your own selfish sexual thrill, and you can both manage that by explicitly discussing what your buttons are, with self-awareness. A sexual connection is very important to everyone these days; remember the ‘free child’ state when forging it.

An important part of the process of becoming intimate with someone is letting them into who you are and trusting them to handle it: you have to show them a little crazy, a little bit of you not in control.

It’ll be your little secret. Just you two, safe in each other.

18 Comments leave one →
  1. Panda permalink
    September 21, 2010 5:30 am

    “We want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” – Usher

    Best way to sum it up? I think so.

  2. Panda permalink
    September 21, 2010 6:01 am

    Allow me to actually add to this. It seems that being not being crazy means following the social norm to some extent; so it does because it is that way.

    Adverse effects of responding negatively can sprout lies from your boyfriend beginning with omission (don’t ask don’t tell) to wording his answers to a false and detailed excuse/story.
    Imagine that for a second with this common scenario…
    She: “What’s your sexual fantasy?”
    He: “Well…”
    She: “Oh it won’t bother me, I swear.”
    He: “Alright. Start with fluffy dice, put on season two of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air…(15 minutes later)…finally you come out of the pantry with some powdered sugar for the apple pie. But I won’t go into all the details.”
    She: Initially? Shocked. Given time? Disgusted. Response? “EW, FREAK.”

    Is that really any way to respond to a question you asked?

  3. September 21, 2010 9:57 am

    Part of the appeal of both drama chicks and bad boys is simply this—the human mind pays more attention to things it doesn’t fully understand, and that are unpredictable, than to things that seems totally obvious in their behavior…just as visual perception tends to focus on moving objects rather than on unmoving background. (Of course, at a higher level, the behavior of the drama chick or bad boy becomes *quite* predictable in its general outlines, it is only the specific details that vary. What was once exciting becomes pretty old-hat)

    Where did that magazine cover come from? Hilarious…

  4. September 22, 2010 7:41 am

    Do / act on Spiritual science All problems would be solved easily
    My name is Djoko Putranto; let me tell you about myself. I grew up in a poor family. After I graduated from high school, I had to make money just for living by selling newspapers from house to house. I had to work hard to be able to attend some courses. I had applied for jobs but was continually rejected. For the next 6 (six) years, I became older and older without having enough money and with bad Mental health until one day I found a book about How to get great success in life . That is a really Spiritual science. I read it many times, tried to understand, practice carefully. In two months, I gradually became a totally new person. The world looked more beautiful. I would say: Life is good; life is beautiful I felt friendlier to others. For the first time someone said: You have a happy face. Finally, after less than two months I got a good job in a state bank and 6 (six) years later I got Financial freedomand very good health. I have new hobby collecting Anime art and Cute background

  5. September 22, 2010 11:55 am

    I have to be %100 with you -all we really really want is the ” 3 F´s ” .

    I recently read this magazine cover from some magazine , anyhow the point is the title read ” 100 ways to keep you man happy” . I though to myself get the hell out of here that list is 3 things which are .

    Feed us – Learn what´s one of our favorite meals and learn how to cook that to perfection.

    Finess us – Know how to tap into your maternal instincts only to show affection without sex. Not to pretend to be our mother.

    Fuck us – Learn how to throw that “cooch” and role play with clear high heels etc.. If you won´t the next breeze will.

    Now needless to say this is considering you have a “Quality Man” that you want to keep.

    When I ask most Female´s the million dollar question thy are stumped .

    What can you bring to the table ( No sex ) ?? Sex is NOT a bargaining chip with us quality dudes.

    Good Post though . Lot´s of good tips for the “Ladies” .

  6. September 22, 2010 6:42 pm

    “We want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” – Usher

    Best way to sum it up? I think so.

    *PEDANTRY ALERT* I like the rhyming ‘lady in the streets, freak in the sheets’ version */END PEDANTRY*

    Where did that magazine cover come from? Hilarious…

    I have seen such unspeakables in the search through the madness of the female mind, and it is but one find upon my journey fraught with danger at every turn. This specimen I could not help but share.

    I recently read this magazine cover from some magazine , anyhow the point is the title read ” 100 ways to keep you man happy” . I though to myself get the hell out of here that list is 3 things

    There’re many variations to this. Men are both simple and complicated. We overcomplicate it for ourselves though, by seeing adapting and compromising with the natures of men as some sort of oppression and a taboo to be spoken of, even as some women exploit it by maxing out their power in the dimension of sexuality which is the only dimension of what’s fashionable and acceptable.

  7. September 22, 2010 6:45 pm

    David:

    the human mind pays more attention to things it doesn’t fully understand, and that are unpredictable, than to things that seems totally obvious in their behavior

    Hmm, there’s different degrees to this and I think that hinges on experience.

    This might be some part of why there might be a trend with the biggest players to be attracted to total crazies. Novelty.

    On the other end, it informs a lot of interactions. New people always intrigue us. There’re unpredictabilities in culture, spirituality and gender.

  8. September 27, 2010 12:21 am

    “Don’t be surprised and outraged if he thought you’d do all the cleaning and don’t feel victimised if that’s what you do.”

    Bhetti, I sometimes find your writing difficult to read. Is English your first language?

    If someone is doing the entire household cleaning, including cleaning up after another full-grown adult, YES they ARE being “victimized”. The solution is not to go to court over it, or “negotiate sensitively”. The solutions is to STOP doing it. That’s it.

    Anyone who has lived on their own as an adult (most of us in the Western world, for to not do so is considered “dysfunctional”), anyway, anyone who has lived alone as an adult has already cooked and cleaned for themself. There’s no reason to stop doing that once you get into a live-in relationship with a partner.

    And traditional “masculine responsibilities” around a home are a lot less time consuming than the traditional “feminine responsibilities”.

    How long does it take to take out the garbage? And do you change tires as often as you do laundry?

  9. Bhetti permalink*
    September 27, 2010 12:38 pm

    DADT:

    There’s no reason to stop doing that once you get into a live-in relationship with a partner.

    I can see that you have difficulty comprehending what I’m saying. I haven’t actually contradicted this. I’m saying you can resolve it and react to it like an adult, instead of a drama queen.

    You do realise you were suspended from commenting? You hopelessly addicted to this blog or something?

  10. September 27, 2010 2:22 pm

    Why did you lift the suspension? Hopelessly addicted to getting just a single comment or something? Show some appreciation that at least SOMEBODY strolled by this dead place and suffered through your bad writing.

    Girl Lame.

    Salamalaikum.

  11. September 27, 2010 5:45 pm

    DADT: I didn’t lift it… you bypassed it and I left your comments up on probation. Probation is up.

    I simply enjoy writing for its own sake. I’ve always done. I don’t want your brand of attention, my dear. Goodbye.

  12. Zammo permalink
    October 5, 2010 7:02 pm

    “And traditional “masculine responsibilities” around a home are a lot less time consuming than the traditional “feminine responsibilities”.”

    Epic fail based on the following:

    Politicizing personal relationships
    No understanding of masculine responsibilities versus feminine choice
    Believing an ideologically-based falsehood
    Actively seeking the role of victim in order to gain privilege

    This blog is about common-sense advice for women in the context of dating and relationships. Keep the ideology out of it.

    You’re welcome.

  13. Neuropa permalink
    December 19, 2010 10:47 am

    I love you bhetti. You are perfect.

    I loathe you Fant-asia. You have the dealbreaking personal characteristics. Go back to under that rock of yours.

  14. Food for Thought permalink
    February 12, 2011 1:40 pm

    I just want to say that I LOVE this site! It’s refreshing to hear people talk about the reality of men vs. women or even women vs. women in society. I swear everyone is so caught up in this politically correct “you don’t need a man”, “we’re past men” that people (especially women) are forgetting the rules of the game. They’re trying to re-invent the wheel just because it doesn’t fit into their media-driven feminist fantasies. It’s just good to know we don’t all have to be slaves to that way of thinking….

  15. Bhetti permalink*
    February 14, 2011 7:44 pm

    Neuropa and Food for Thought:
    Thanks very much for your comments, and I’m glad you found something useful here!

  16. April 12, 2014 11:02 pm

    Having read this I thought it was rather informative. I appreciate you finding the time and energy to put this short article together.
    I once again find myself personally spending a significant amount of time
    both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

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